For so many years, deep down I believed that I was not worthy and nobody could ever accept me for who I was, so I did things that were not healthy in order to prove that to myself. I felt I wasn’t deserving to be loved because who wants to love someone who had been abused as a child?
In my head, there was a stigma attached to child abuse. I was at fault. I asked for what happened to me. I did something, and the abuse was my punishment. I carried those ideas around and thought they defined me, making it impossible for anyone to see the person I truly was under all the pain and trauma I endured.
Understanding I was the one self-sabotaging.
I actually turned self-sabotaging into an art form. After all, I deserved everything, and my expectations were known to me. So, when people did in fact walk away or not see me for who I was, I could tell myself I was right. I knew no different, and nobody stuck around to prove me otherwise. To make things worse, I was told that no one would love me if I couldn’t love myself. And how could I love myself? I didn’t know how to. It hurt to hear things like that; it both confirmed my worst suspicions about myself and blamed me for having them in the first place.
The irony of having that thought process for most of my life was I was always the first person to attempt to help others. To tell them they were worthy. To see them for who they were and accept them. And yet, I never afforded myself the same courtesy, all the while, deep down I longed for validation from others while simultaneously pushing them away. It was a painful paradox, one that left me feeling even more isolated and desperate for connection. To feel that my own self worth was contingent upon my ability to help those around me was a harsh reality to accept. Because it was never true.
Therapy has changed my life
I’ve been slowly recognizing and displacing my innate “script” from my trauma that has constantly played in the background of my brain. It’s been challenging, but every new day has brought with it a new outlook on life. Importantly, I am now allowing myself to be seen and to know I am deserving to be loved. The feeling of not having permission to take up space, to have feelings and express them, and to express needs and have them met is coming more naturally, which has been a huge surprise.
It’s taken years, but the best thing I ever did for myself was start therapy and learn about my trauma and cPTSD. In doing so, it has helped me see my self-worth, get to know who I am, and allow others to do so too.
Therapy has changed my life for the better. Learning grounding tools to help with my cPTSD and practicing self-compassion and self-validation have all been pivotal in my healing journey. To look back at things I did, what I believed about myself, and to see where I am today is truly empowering and an eye-opener. It certainly has not been easy and there have been many starts and stops, but it has been worth it.
What does it mean to love myself?
In loving myself, it means slowly recognizing that story I carried with me when it surfaces; not even arguing with it, simply catching it in the act and realizing what it is. It’s nothing but a lie I was led to believe. It also means accepting myself with all my brokenness as real and there, accepting my story especially with all of its pain and regret so I can at least start narrating it in my own voice, not someone else’s.
Loving myself is giving myself permission to actually face down my pain, my fear, my shame, and my anger, and not engage them in battle but rather sit down and listen to them for the protective armor they were trying to be on my behalf. In acknowledging what has held me back, the things I have done and all the emotions that have transpired, I can use that as building blocks to build something better. To continue healing and allow myself to be loved with all my flaws.
I’m still here. I’m still learning and healing, but my life is opening up in ways I never thought it ever would. The work I have put in to getting to this point is now being recognized and I appreciate the people who have stood by me and believed in me when I never did. The love and support have been invaluable, and I am beginning to enjoy the person I am growing into.
Photo by Elijah Macleod on Unsplash