A question most survivors eventually ask

That’s a really important question. I actually think it’s one almost every survivor of abuse ends up sitting with at some point.

And the truth is, there is no right or wrong answer here. What’s right for one person might feel completely wrong for another. Because as we all know by now, healing doesn’t follow a straight line, and it definitely doesn’t come with a rulebook that applies to everyone.

You don’t owe forgiveness.

The first thing I want to be really clear about here: forgiveness is not something you owe your abuser. Not morally, psychologically, or even spiritually. It’s not a requirement for healing, and it’s not some end goal you have to reach to prove that you’re “okay.”

For a lot of people, the pressure to forgive too early (or at all) can actually become another layer of harm. It can feel like being asked to shrink something that was never small. To soften something that was never safe. Or to rush past something your body is still trying to make sense of.

And that’s where it gets tricky, because forgiveness often gets packaged up as the “healthy” end goal. Like if you’re really healed, you’ll get there eventually.

But forced forgiveness isn’t healing. It’s just performance made to look neat and shiny.

What forgiveness can look like (if it ever comes)

Also, sometimes people do reach forgiveness later on. Not because it excuses what happened, and not because it reopens any kind of door to the person who hurt them, but because it can sometimes make the weight of it all a little easier to carry. It can loosen the grip of anger. Quiet the constant replaying of the past. And create just enough space for life to feel like life again.

On a personal level, I did forgive him.

I spent a long time thinking about what would actually help me move forward in my life, and I didn’t arrive at that decision lightly.

That doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It doesn’t erase it. And it certainly doesn’t change what it did to me.

I did it because, at some point, I realized I didn’t want to keep carrying him around in my system anymore. I didn’t want the story of what he did to keep taking up space in every corner of my life. Because for a long time, that’s exactly what it did. It consumed me.

And for me, forgiveness wasn’t about saying it was acceptable. It was about putting it in its place so it didn’t get to define mine anymore.

You can heal without forgiving.

There’s something that often gets missed in this whole conversation: you can heal without forgiving. That much is true.

You can process what happened. Rebuild safety in your body. Reconnect with yourself. And you can learn to exist in the world without constantly living on edge. You can move forward in your life.

And none of that requires forgiveness to be extended to the person who caused the harm.

The thing worth holding onto

And maybe that’s the thing worth holding onto the most.

So maybe the real question isn’t, “Should I forgive my abuser?”

Maybe the real question is: Can I? And more importantly… do I even want to?

Healing isn’t about reaching the “right” conclusion about your pain.

It’s about finding your way back to yourself… in your own time and in your own way, without handing your recovery over to what anyone else thinks you should feel.

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash