I figured I’d share a few things I’ve been noticing about myself lately. This is a bit of a follow-on from my last post (you can read it here if you want: From Survival To Self: Becoming Who I Am) Perhaps you can relate and maybe it helps to remember that we’re all just trying to figure it out as we go.

The Noise Is Finally Quieter

The biggest thing?

I feel a lot more calm.

Not in a “everything is perfect and I’m completely healed” way. Just… calmer.

For a long time, there was this constant emotional static playing in the background of my head. Lately, though, that static has started to quiet down.

I’m not constantly living in that permanent state of being on edge anymore either, Where I was waiting for something to go wrong the second I let my guard down.

And the difference has been impossible not to notice.

It’s changing the way I move through my days, the way I react to things, even the way I exist inside my own head.

Calm Is Not Emptiness

Most importantly, I’m starting to realize that calm is not the same thing as emptiness.

For most of my life, chaos felt normal. So whenever things got quiet, I didn’t see it as peace, I took it as something missing. I confused the absence of drama with the absence of meaning. If things weren’t emotionally intense, overwhelming, or unpredictable, I assumed something was wrong with me, that I must be disconnected, numb, or somehow empty inside.

But this new feeling isn’t emptiness at all.

It’s safety.

And being able to recognize it for what it is I know is a monumental psychological shift.

Learning to Loosen My Grip

Along with this safety, I’m noticing that I don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself anymore. I used to feel this intense urge to grip so tightly onto everything, my relationships, my work, my daily routine, because I was convinced that if I let go even a little bit, absolute chaos would ensue.

Learning to loosen my grip has been terrifying, but it’s also where the peace has started sneaking in.

Feeling Instead of Fighting

I’m also finding that I can actually feel things more now.

For the longest time, emotions felt like something dangerous. Something to control, suppress, or shove as far down as possible just to make it through the day without falling apart. Feeling too much never felt safe to me, so I became very good at disconnecting from what was happening inside of me.

But lately, I’m learning to stop fighting my emotions the second they show up. I’m learning to let them exist without immediately trying to fix them, numb them, or run from them. I’ve honestly lost count of how many times I’ve said out loud, “Hey, I’m feeling emotional today.”

And weirdly.. that’s been one of the biggest shifts of all.

Because it turns out that when you finally create a sense of safety within yourself, emotions stop feeling like something to fear, but instead something you can experience without losing yourself inside of them.

From Fragile to Flexible

I’m also no longer feeling fragile. If anything, I feel more flexible now.

Like I can hold more without letting it break me. I don’t panic the way I used to every time life gets hard or emotions show up unexpectedly. There’s a steadiness developing in me that I don’t think I’ve ever really had before.

And slowly, I’m starting to bridge the gap between who I had to become to survive and who I’m allowed to be now that I’m finally finding some peace.

And that peace matters, because it was something I always craved. So, I’ve become more protective of it. Not in a cold way, or in a “cut everyone off” internet therapy-speak kind of way. I just notice quicker now when something drains me, destabilizes me, or pulls me back into old emotional patterns.

And for once, I don’t feel guilty for stepping back from it.

That’s definitely new.

The Peace Is Worth the Risk

If you’re reading this from the middle of the chaos, or from that strange, quiet place where you’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop, I hope you give yourself permission to let go some what maybe even just a little.

Because sometimes healing doesn’t arrive as a “ah-ha” moment.

Sometimes it arrives as your nervous system finally realizing it doesn’t have to be on edge..waiting anymore.

And that kind of peace?

It’s worth the risk.

Photo by Jonathan Bean on Unsplash