Today marks another year around the sun for me, and you would think by now that I would be used to this day, but I’m not. In fact, I dread my birthday, and it is a day that I don’t look forward to at all.
It’s not just a matter of aging and recognizing I am getting older. That’s not what bothers me. It’s that I dislike any fuss being made about me. It makes me uncomfortable, and celebrating a birthday is one day that is ours. Having gone through life with the notion that you are less than or not worthy, when a birthday comes around, it makes you pause and not want to have a day celebrating yourself. The irony of how I feel about my own birthday is that I do love celebrating other people. Just not myself.
In some strange way, I feel shame and guilt when people go out of their way to celebrate the day. All because in my warped sense of thinking, I have felt I wasn’t worth the trouble. Even as a kid, I never wanted birthday parties, and the few I did have and remember because my abuser was a close family friend meant he would be in attendance. It always put a dark cloud over the day.
The memories that stick with us
Having to accept gifts from him was something I hated. I remember on my 8th birthday I was given the game Kerplunk by him. I deliberately left it in the restaurant we had eaten at and got into so much trouble from my pops because I was told I was being ungrateful and selfish for leaving behind a gift that was given to me. All the while I was unable to express why I didn’t want the gift and then to have that shame on top of what I was feeling. It was quite the head trip.
It’s been a slow process, but I am learning that I’m not inherently worth less than other people and that I am an equal rather than an inferior being. I am starting to view myself more neutrally, and it has been quite the breakthrough. I am beginning to see myself as more of a balanced person, and even when I notice parts of myself I don’t like, I can remember that it’s not the totality of who I am, and I’m not worse than other people for having those flaws.
It also helps that I do have people in my life that see the good in me and make me know that. That they don’t force me into doing anything even though I know they want to. That they are understanding of what it is I need.
So, today marks another year around the sun and the opportunity to take the next 365 days and make it memorable. Whatever this coming year has in store for me, I can only hope that it will be an adventure and one that brings many good happy moments and memories. And who knows? Maybe next year will be the year that I will want to celebrate the day I was born.