Individuals who have experienced trauma and have cPTSD are often told that they lack empathy. Which isn’t the case at all. At least not for me. I think I’m capable of great empathy, but if I’m not in a good place or stressed out, I cut it off completely and go into no-emotion-survival mode.

And that is where the problem arises.

There have been many times that I don’t feel anything. It’s not because I don’t care or that I lack empathy. I actually can care too much, and due to the overwhelming sense of emotion, I fall into a state of emotional detachment. I know I care, but at times it can feel so far removed. It feels like the emotions to care are locked inside a box and there is no key. I then switch to logical thinking and begin to rationalize everything. My conscious, highly logical, rational over-thinking powers my unconsciousness.

It has been a survival tool for me for most of my life.

I have always been told I am someone that can be relied on in a crisis, and it is because of the emotional detachment. Even when I hate that I shut down, there have been times where it has been put to good use.

My conscious, logical mind is the only one I’ve ever been able to rely on

For so long, my default setting was to go to intellectual understanding and not emotional understanding. Which can be frustrating for anybody in my orbit. I want to go into fix it mode when, at times, all that is needed is for me to listen and absorb. My conscious, logical mind is the only one I’ve ever been able to rely on, but it’s operating on the basis of false premises. It informs my brain that there is danger even when there is none based on past traumas, which then tells my brain that this is a problem that needs solved.

With my feelings shut down, I somehow can tune in to my intuition at a level that allows me to read the room in such a way that I can pick up on the slightest shifts. I also have an increased sense of compassion, and because of that, I can sense when someone else is suffering, even if it is from my own doing.

It’s quite the paradox.

Over time and with therapy, I have noticed a gradual change in myself and how I feel and react to emotions. The overwhelming sense of those emotions can be difficult to manage, but I am learning to process my feelings in a healthy way. It feels strange, I am not going to lie, but it has lessened the feeling of anxiety or put my body into lockdown. I no longer see myself as some robot.

Opportunities for personal growth

I am now more inclined to take a beat and think to ask: Is it an emotional or logical response you need from me? And doing that can help me navigate any emotions that may form.

The road has not been easy, but it is a road that I am proud of myself for walking. To learn why I have been the way I am and to overcome the roadblocks that have set me back. It really feels like the fog I have been walking in is starting to clear. With that comes a lot of new emotions, but I know that I am able to feel and acknowledge what it is I am feeling without going into my old default setting.

I am learning that going through my trauma and being prepared to do the work to heal has allowed me, not only to educate myself but to grow and become the best version of myself, and that definitely is not a bad thing.