I see people throw around phrases. Phrases such as “If they wanted to, they would,” and it frustrates me. It frustrates me because that’s not how trauma works. When it comes to trauma, we have to remove the word “want” because nobody wants trauma, and when it rules your life, it can be quite debilitating. Your nervous system is on fire to the point you can’t think straight or come up with solutions.

As someone who has childhood trauma and cPTSD, I am well aware of my misgivings. Of my faults. I have lived in the shame bubble for most of my life. So I am all too familiar with all the negative parts that make up who I am. I have struggled with accepting love and believing I could receive it. Not only from other people, but from myself, too. It’s taken me years in therapy to believe that I am lovable and to focus on and believe in all of my good qualities.

You can’t out love trauma. And to use statements in absolutes such as “If they wanted to, they would” only enforces expectations onto us. It’s not fair to do because, of course, we want to do things, but often at times we can’t because our trauma and cPTSD won’t allow us to, and the shame we feel because of that only adds to the relentless shame that we have spent years trying to battle.

People need to give more grace

It’s been a huge block for me for years to show vulnerability. And my fear of abandonment is something that can be crippling. The very act of being in a relationship puts me in constant danger of being abandoned. So, to get close to someone takes so much out of me. I can’t simply turn off everything I learned as a way for me to survive. I wish I could. Instead, I am unlearning and relearning new ways to live.

The only person that carries what I went through is myself. The trauma I endured inside my body. The emotional dysregulation. I am the one that pays the consequences for what happened to me, and I am navigating my healing the best I can. That doesn’t mean certain behaviors should be excused. They shouldn’t. But people need to be more aware and give more grace.

Those of us living with cPTSD can be incredibly resilient and loving. But we can also be fragile and unsure. Starting therapy and admitting my issues has been some of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. It’s not been much easier working on them. Showing up day after day to face the worst things I’ve known and reliving the trauma is difficult, and I am doing the best I can. It may not be good enough in the eyes of some. But, importantly, it’s good enough for me, who is surviving and learning to strive.

For myself and others like myself it’s not “if they could, they would.” it’s “we are trying, and we will when we can.”.