It’s been 1 year since the passing of a wonderful lady, my aunt. She was the last of my maternal relatives, being my mom’s youngest sister. I’m no stranger to loss and grief. Having lost both my parents and even friends. However, the passing of my aunt has felt different.

The unique bond I shared with her has made her passing particularly impactful, as she was a constant presence in my life and took on the role of a mother figure  after my own mom passed back in 2007.

Her wisdom, kindness, and warmth filled in the gaps for me, providing me with guidance and comfort during many difficult times. From learning I had cPTSD and being a support network when I opened up about my child abuse. She was also the closest thing to a grandmother that I could give to my daughter, and their relationship was one that meant the world to me.

Grief can bring moments of happiness

I feel strange about this anniversary because I thought I would be sad, but I’m not. Yes, I miss her, but I am finding myself to be more reflective on the happy memories that we had together. I have wondered if it was a disservice to her and her impact on me that I am not sad or feel weighed down by grief. Yet, perhaps that’s a testament to the relationship and love we shared. She may no longer be with us, but the memories I have and the influence she had on me continue to shape my life. Reminding myself of the good times is my way to honor her and the person she was.

My aunt loved poetry and would always share an Irish blessing with us. One of the last blessings she shared with me during Thanksgiving 2013, which also was the last time I saw her in person, has stayed with me ever since. It was called Beannacht, meaning Blessing, and was by John O’Donohue. You can read the full blessing here, but the words that stood out for me were:

“On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.”

She was always one to remind you of the good in you, and she had such an unwavering belief in the power of love and kindness. It really is true that to know her was to love her, as she was that kind of person. Her genuine warmth and compassion made it impossible not to feel drawn to her, as she effortlessly inspired affection in everyone that crossed her path. She had such an ability to connect with others that would leave a lasting impression on everyone lucky enough to know her.

I will always remember the good times.

I miss her. A lot. And there have been many moments this past year that I wish I could have reached out to her and been given one of her pep talks. I can still hear her voice of encouragement in my mind and that is something I will always cherish. It’s those moments that remind me just how lucky I was to have her in my life and how important she was to me.

As with my mom, my aunt has left a legacy of so many happy moments and memories that will never be forgotten. So, how could I be sad, especially when I know my aunt would not want me to be? Instead, I choose to celebrate her life and remember her with a smile. After all, grief is really just love with no place to go, and the love I have for her is abundant.