Having cPTSD is debilitating. To be constantly at war with your mind where it makes you believe the very worst parts of yourself is something that is hard to overcome.

I have been working hard on self-compassion and forgiveness. I’ve been too hard on myself for way too long, overanalyzing what I’ve done wrong in the past and thinking I somehow am going to pay for it or will need to suffer because I’m a bad person who did a bad thing.

The truth is that life is complicated, the way our brain develops is complex, and we learn a lot of unhealthy and toxic ways of coping with certain circumstances. Of course that doesn’t excuse any behaviors that I have enacted that resulted in hurting people I care about. But it explains why I have done things I have, and if I am being honest, I hate myself for all of it and find it extremely difficult to let go of guilt that I carry around with me. I do so because somewhere in my brain I feel I deserve it, and it’s my punishment.

What people don’t quite grasp, and it took me a long time to understand through therapy, is that abusive childhoods actually affect the brain—cPTSD is literally brain damage. Going through abuse as a child messes with brain development and causes abnormal brain function. My trauma and having cPTSD have robbed me of many things. It’s killed relationships, possibilities, and time.

I may have suffered trauma and have cPTSD, but so what?

That still does not give me the right to take my wounds into relationships and bleed over people. Which is what I have been doing. Not consciously, but I was still doing it. I may have suffered trauma and have cPTSD, but so what?

Taking responsibility for my actions isn’t something that I will master over night. I am still going to slip into seeing my external factors that have caused me to act in ways that I shouldn’t have; after all, it is easy to turn around and say I am the way I am because I was abused. It isn’t so easy to self-reflect and know that, yes, I am not responsible for what happened to me as a child, but I am responsible for how I act as an adult. Taking accountability all starts with seeking the help that I have needed and then working on bettering myself every single day.

I have a great deal of empathy and always have, that I can put myself in other people’s shoes. Examine the situation from their perspective and consider how I and everyone else involved are feeling. Which is why I carry a lot of guilt. But once again, the guilt I carry is because of my own actions, and it’s a habit I am working really hard on breaking.

I hope that taking responsibility for them, learning from them, and using them to push myself forward will make me look at life in a whole different way. By owning up to my actions, I am taking the burden off myself. Instead of carrying the anxiety around and beating myself up with it, I am releasing it so I can move on. So I can be a better person.

I have to put in the hard work and rescue myself.

The truth is, the universe owes me nothing, and life isn’t fair. In fact, it can be cruel. But the biggest obstacle that I am facing is myself, and nobody is coming to rescue me. I have to put in the hard work and rescue myself. That doesn’t mean I can’t lean on others for guidance and support, but the hard work comes from me. I have to learn the difference between guilt and feeling shame, two emotions that sit deep with me. Both are very different in how you view yourself and how you react. It means doing a lot of self reflection.

I have to continue being kind to myself and not letting the shame spiral overpower the work that I am putting in. I am only human. I have flaws and I will continue to make many mistakes in life, but I am choosing to take responsibility for my actions and to see in doing so, life for me, as someone who suffers from cPTSD will greatly improve and importantly, it means I am taking back control and not allowing external factors to prevent me from living my best life.

I only wish I understood this all much sooner. But I see it for what it is now and that is what is important.