There are those days that don’t exactly ease you in. You wake up and, wham, you’re already in the ring. No warm-up, no stretching, just straight into the match. If you live with CPTSD, chances are, you know the drill.

It’s not about a bad dream, a looming deadline, or even a gloomy, rainy day. It’s that heavy, intangible weight that settles in before you’ve even sat up. Frustration. Irritation. Maybe a flicker of fear. And deep down, you know it’s not about anything specific; it’s just your nervous system jumping into overdrive before your feet hit the floor.

I probably look like a human form of the grumpy cat right now.

When Sleep Isn’t Enough

Here’s the frustrating part: I’ve talked before about how crucial sleep is when you’re living with CPTSD. For me, getting enough rest isn’t just about energy; it’s about survival. It’s the thing that can help me feel even slightly grounded the next day. But what about the mornings when you do everything right? You go to bed early. Avoid doomscrolling. You breathe, and journal, and you avoid caffeine after 2 p.m. The whole sleep hygiene routine. And you actually sleep! Solidly, even.

And then you wake up… completely wiped out. Like your body spent the whole night fighting off invisible demons while you were unconscious. That’s me this morning. I cannot be bothered with this CPTSD nonsense today. I woke up exhausted, irritated, and fully prepared to throw hands with the sky. And yes, I’ve already racked up a few choice curse words, and we’re still technically in the “lying in bed staring at the ceiling” phase of the day.

The Irony of Knowing What to Do

Now here is where it gets extra annoying.

The worst part? I know what to do. That’s the kicker. I’ve got tools. Habits, breathing techniques, and mindset shifts. I’ve been in therapy. I’ve read the books, done the journaling, and run every experiment my nervous system could handle. I know what helps. My toolkit is solid. I’m proud of it, actually.

But honestly? Some mornings, just knowing I have to use those tools feels like its own kind of weight. Like waking up to a to-do list that starts with “Regulate your entire nervous system before corn flakes.” And that’s the moment I find myself pleading with the universe: Can I at least have breakfast first? Maybe check my email? Pet a dog? Anything?

Honestly? It’s hard to explain this kind of fatigue to someone who hasn’t lived it. Because, It’s not just physical tiredness. It’s soul-tired. It’s waking up already carrying the weight of the day, already behind on energy before you’ve even had a chance to burn any. It’s frustrating because I am doing the work. I’ve done the work for years. And yet, some mornings, it feels like I’m starting from scratch.

No Silver Linings Today, Just Real Talk

So let’s not sugarcoat this. I’m not feeling particularly “inspirational” today, and I’m not here to slap a silver lining on this and call it growth. I’m just here to say: I feel like I am crawling through cement just to brush my teeth, but this is what it’s like sometimes. It’s exhausting. It’s unfair, and it’s pretty damn real.

On the days like today, it’s okay to feel like this. We are allowed. What we feel is valid. Be gentle with yourself. Healing isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up, even when it’s hard. And that, my friends, is more than enough.

Photo by Ethan Hasenfratz on Unsplash