Things we do to protect ourselves make it harder for other people to get close. Something that I am pro at. Putting up walls and downplaying anything I felt. But it turns out, as I am slowly going through a personal transition, that I am a lot more sensitive than I realized. And perhaps deep down I always knew that, and that is why I would put up walls.

I’ve said it before, but I am surprised I haven’t had an ulcer the size of Cleveland with all the repressed emotions I had going on. It took me a really long time to shift my thinking and start to sit with and feel the emotions I was feeling.

Growing up, I remember being told I was “too deep” in how I thought and viewed the world, and now I realize that was a roundabout way of being criticized, and I guess because I was, I would shrink myself into not showing any emotions out of fear.

I quickly learned that if I was closed off and unfeeling, no one could do any harm to me. Nor could I feel what was going on with me from such a young age. I went into autopilot. Constant dissociation in relation to my emotions and body. I became a shell, and there was all this pain inside me that I didn’t feel. For years, nothing had words or any specificity to it; it was just a sensation without any way to express it because I never learned how to.

There is strength in being sensitive

Being sensitive isn’t a bad trait, though. I was able to turn it into a superpower; it makes me more empathetic and easier to read people’s emotions and/or true intentions, which allows me to act accordingly. I am able to understand other people’s perspectives and feelings in a way that I think most insensitive people can’t.

Being sensitive isn’t a flaw or something to be changed, but it’s a gift and something to be cultivated, protected, and celebrated. I notice things. I understand, and I have compassion for other people on a deep level. And I now know that sensitivity is frowned upon when you’re good at detecting things people would rather you not see.

But I choose to be sensitive anyway. I have to be if I am truly going to be my authentic self. And that means feeling the raw emotions. Communicating my needs and setting boundaries. For too long I yearned to be supported in my pain instead of being made to feel like I needed to hide from it or hide it from the world. And I refuse to do it anymore.

I know that not everyone will be able to accept me for who I am becoming. And as hard as that is, I know that it just means I am making room for the ones who will accept me for all that I am. I am done trying to be the type of person where no one can hurt me unless I choose for them to hurt me. Because I was fooling myself. I am not impenetrable.

I am human. I care. I am sensitive and that’s okay.