Setting Myself Up To Fail
When I first started therapy and learned about my CPTSD, I did one thing over and over: I set myself up to fail. My brain was on a mission to prove its own negativity right. Weirdly, failure felt safer; if it was coming anyway, at least I was in control. At least I knew the floor wouldn’t drop out without warning. Or at least, that’s what I believed for the longest time.
I wish I could say that for years I didn’t even know I was doing it, but that would be a lie. I did know. Somehow, though, my brain was wired in a way that made me believe the very thing I was doing. Every “failure” felt like proof I was broken but also strangely comforting; it confirmed what I feared and kept me from being blindsided by something worse.
That something worse was rejection and not being good enough.
Understanding the Power of CPTSD
That’s the power of CPTSD.
CPTSD is powerful because it rewires everything that makes you, you. Your instincts, emotions, and even your sense of safety. It doesn’t just affect what you think; it also shapes how you experience reality:
- Self-perception gets hijacked
- Emotional intensity is amplified.
- Memory and perception get distorted.
- Relationship patterns get entrenched
- Survival mode becomes default
That’s why healing takes patience, compassion, and consistent work; it’s about re-learning ways to go through life without being stuck in old, unhealthy patterns.
Learning to Respond Differently
It wasn’t until therapy helped me unravel those thoughts that I realized I was sabotaging myself out of fear, not truth. And once I could see it for what it really was, I started learning how to take small risks, celebrate even the tiniest wins, and slowly trust that I could handle not being in control all the time.
Healing Isn’t About Perfection
I certainly don’t have it all figured out, even after a decade of healing and therapy. But what I do know is healing isn’t about perfection. It’s about noticing the patterns and telling yourself to take a pause. To understand why those patterns exist in the first place and come to terms with the past and the present and look to a better future. Importantly, it also teaches you how to respond differently so you don’t fall back into the same old cycles. Healing shows you that you have choices, even when your instincts scream otherwise.
I like to think I have more emotional intelligence now, that I can give myself grace, catch myself before I spiral, and make small, conscious decisions that take my well being into account. It doesn’t mean I never stumble, but I stumble differently now, with awareness, self-compassion, and the knowledge that every step forward, no matter how small, matters.
Seeing Things Differently
Importantly, I am accepting of who I am and my past. I have managed to come to terms with what happened to me as a child. That doesn’t mean the pain has disappeared; it’s still there, but I no longer let it define me or control my every choice. I can acknowledge it, and still move forward with purpose, self-compassion, and a sense of hope.
Being My Own Captain
CPTSD is still a part of me, and yes, it still tries to steer the ship. But the difference now is I’m the captain, not the passenger. I now know how it shows up, I understand its instincts, and I choose how to respond. I can’t erase it, but I can walk through life with more awareness, kindness toward myself, and a sense of direction I didn’t have before.
Photo by Clark Wilson on Unsplash