For many years, I believed deep down that I was unworthy of love, and that no one could ever truly accept me for who I was. I engaged in unhealthy behaviors to prove this belief to myself. I felt undeserving of love, particularly because of my history of childhood abuse.
In my mind, there was a stigma attached to that abuse. I believed I was somehow at fault, that I had somehow “asked for it.” I carried these beliefs with me, allowing them to define me. I thought they made it impossible for anyone to see the person I truly was beneath all the pain and trauma I had endured.
Understanding I was the one self-sabotaging.
I had turned self-sabotage into an art form. After all, I thought I deserved nothing more. My expectations were clear to me, and so when people walked away or failed to see me for who I really was, I could tell myself I had been right all along. I didn’t know any different, and no one stuck around to show me otherwise. To make matters worse, I often heard that no one could love me unless I learned to love myself. But how could I love myself? I didn’t know how. Hearing that just deepened my worst fears and felt like yet another reason to blame myself for feeling the way I did.
The irony, however, was that I was always the first to offer help to others. I told them they were worthy, I saw them for who they truly were, and I accepted them despite their flaws. Yet, I couldn’t afford myself the same courtesy. I longed for validation from others, even as I pushed them away. It was a painful paradox that only left me feeling more isolated and desperate for connection. I mistakenly believed my self-worth was tied to my ability to help those around me, but I’ve since learned that it was never true.
Therapy has changed my life
Over time, I’ve begun to recognize and confront the harmful “script” created by my trauma, which had played in the background of my mind for years. It’s been challenging, but each new day brings a new perspective on life. Most importantly, I’m learning to allow myself to be seen, and I’m starting to understand that I am deserving of love. It’s surprising how naturally I’m now allowing myself to take up space, express my feelings, and have my needs met.
The best decision I ever made was to start therapy and begin understanding my trauma and cPTSD. Doing so has helped me rediscover my self-worth, get to know myself better, and allow others to do the same. Therapy has helped me grow in ways I never imagined possible. It’s given me tools to manage my cPTSD, and learning self-compassion and self-validation has been key in my healing journey. Reflecting on the things I did, the beliefs I had about myself, and seeing where I am today is both empowering and eye-opening. It hasn’t been easy, and there have been many starts and stops, but it has absolutely been worth it.
What does it mean to love myself?
Loving myself means slowly recognizing the harmful stories I carried with me and catching them when they surface. Rather than arguing with these thoughts, I’m learning to recognize them for what they are: lies I was led to believe. It also means accepting myself with all my imperfections and embracing my story in all its pain and regret so I can begin to narrate it in my own voice, not someone else’s.
Loving myself involves giving myself permission to face my pain, fear, shame, and anger, not to fight them, but to listen to them. They were once protective armor, and now, in acknowledging them, I can use these experiences as building blocks for something better. I’m learning to continue healing and allowing myself to be loved with all my flaws.
I’m still here, still learning, and still healing. My life is opening up in ways I never thought possible. The work I’ve put into my healing is now beginning to pay off, and I deeply appreciate the people who have supported me along the way, and who believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. Their love and support have been invaluable, and I’m beginning to enjoy the person I am becoming.
Photo by Elijah Macleod on Unsplash