I have been learning a lot about myself this past year.

Through therapy, self-study, self-compassion, mindfulness practices, and a lot of self-care. For the first time, I can relate to myself, which is helping me relate to others more than ever. To understand my own boundaries. For so long, setting boundaries was difficult when I was out of touch with myself. My default reaction is/was shame, and I tend to freeze or flight when I’m triggered. Which in turn always made it difficult for me to open up and be trusting when it came to other people.

I have always felt threatened easily when I was having a flashback episode because my trauma would take me back to my childhood, where my inner child would be trying to live in an adult world. So, I felt safe around people who genuinely affirmed me, like my family, because I didn’t have to be anything other than myself.

I believe that everyone carries something in their lives; mine happens to be trauma and CPTSD, and it’s my responsibility to deal with it. I don’t need anyone to take responsibility for me, nor me for them. It took me a very long time to understand that, but I get it now, and I am doing my best to not seek things from other people that they cannot give me because expectations are what hurt us the most.

Knowing how to navigate triggers

I find my triggers very challenging with respect to relationships, because that’s where my triggers originated—those intimate relationships in early life. I remember very little of my childhood, and I often feel that I don’t know who I am. But I am beginning to, and I am seeing good qualities that I never thought were in fact good. I have learned what my triggers are and ways to better navigate when they occur. Also, I am taking accountability for my behavior when I am triggered and, in certain instances, removing myself from engagement until my emotions are better regulated.

I asked my therapist a question recently, as it is where my thinking is pointing toward—do we define our intimate relationship by our CPTSD? At what point (if there is one) can we step beyond that and feel okay about relating to one other person simply as ourselves?

I feel that CPTSD will always be a part of who I am, but I can do my best not to let it define me. My actions, and importantly, my relationships. I can never wipe the slate clean, so to speak, but I can do my best to not submerge myself into who I was when trying to survive, learn, and understand what was going on with me all these years.

The need to forgive myself

There are things I have done that I am ashamed of and not able to undo. But I am taking accountability for my actions when I was triggered and not blaming other people, and I am working on forgiving myself, which has been the hard part as the shame and unworthiness is what feeds CPTSD. The battle is ongoing, but I am now genuinely feeling like I am winning, or at least making headway.

I’ve learned a lot that I am putting into practice, including that even people without CPTSD need to learn and practice relationship skills to be healthy. I know I could be a good partner even if I made mistakes in the beginning and sometimes shut down emotionally. As long as I continue to communicate and set boundaries. I don’t have to be everything for someone else. I only need to be a good version of who I have become and not the damaged goods that having CPTSD has made me believe about myself.

I also now know that close relationships bring out more insecurities for me. Not because of something that they are doing, but something that I believe internally. And that is what I am working on overcoming at the moment. I know it all leads back to my child abuse, and every new discovery is simply another layer being removed and exposing who I am and can be. Like unwrapping a Christmas present. The good stuff is under the paper and, when found, can bring a whole lot of joy.

For the first time in my life, I can actually say without feeling ashamed that I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. And that alone is huge. I am even looking at ways to share my story in the hopes it can help others.

There has been a lot of self-growth taking place, and it’s both empowering and frightening, but I am excited for the path I am now on because I am genuinely starting to know what it means to feel happy and love yourself. Not in the conceited way, but in the way that I no longer look in the mirror and see the uglyness I have carried around internally for years. I no longer feel that I am simply just existing. I know now that life truly is a gift and I am not my past. I am who I am today and I really am beginning to be proud of myself.