(a.k.a., why “being left” hits like a freight train when you’ve got trauma on board)

Let’s get this out of the way upfront: The Departure Theory isn’t something you’ll find in a psychology textbook. No citations, no DSM entry. But in trauma circles, especially among those of us navigating life with CPTSD, it comes up a lot. Because it gives language to a pain that’s hard to explain:

The deep, body-level impact of being emotionally or physically left.

That might mean abandonment, neglect, emotional unavailability, ghosting, betrayal, or sudden loss. Whatever the flavor, the message your nervous system receives is the same:

You are not safe. You are not worth staying for.

How Departure Wounds Show Up with CPTSD

Because CPTSD usually forms through chronic, repeated relational trauma, especially early in life, the “departure wound” runs deep. It shows up like this:

• Fear of abandonment, even when everything seems fine
• Hypervigilance in connection: scanning for signs someone’s pulling away
• Fawning or people-pleasing, just to keep people from leaving
• Avoidance: keeping people at arm’s length so it doesn’t hurt when they go
• Emotional flashbacks when someone gets quiet, cancels, or withdraws

Sound familiar? Yeah. Me too.

It’s Not Just About People Physically Leaving

Sometimes people don’t leave your life; they just leave emotionally.

• A caregiver might have been in the house but completely shut down.
• A partner might say “I love you” but go cold when you’re upset.
• A therapist might go on maternity leave or retire, and suddenly you’re 7 years old again, abandoned all over.

To a nervous system wired by CPTSD, even small absences can feel massive.

Every departure becomes confirmation that you’re too much, or not enough, for someone to stay.

How It Messes With Relationships

This kind of wound can lead to a disorganized attachment style (also called fearful-avoidant). Which basically means

• You want closeness…
• But fear that closeness will end in pain.
• So you push people away…
• And then feel crushed when they actually go.

You might crave connection but not trust it. Or sabotage good relationships because “they’ll leave eventually; better to beat them to it.”

The result?

Relationships start to feel like hard work. Constant effort. And zero guarantee you’ll feel safe at the end.

So… How Do You Heal It?

Here’s the hard part: you can’t talk your nervous system out of this wound. No amount of self-help books or affirmations will fully undo what your body feels to be true.

What you need are new experiences, slow, consistent, earned experiences, that prove the old story wrong.

Some tools that can help:

• Trauma-informed therapy (IFS, EMDR, and somatic work are all solid choices)
• Safe, attuned relationships that show up and stay
• Inner child work, especially re-parenting the part of you that was left
• Parts work, so you can understand the protective parts that expect loss.
• Grieving, yes, really grieving the times people did leave

Healing this wound isn’t about pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s about reminding your system, over and over, that love doesn’t always vanish.

Some Parting Thoughts

The Departure Theory isn’t scientific, but it is real.

For many of us with CPTSD, the fear of being left is the soundtrack underneath everything. We twist ourselves into knots trying to avoid it or pretend we don’t care when it happens until our bodies remind us otherwise.

But when we name it, understand it, and start building safer experiences? That’s when we finally get to respond with compassion… instead of just reacting from fear.

So keep going. You are already rewriting your story.

Photo by Dmitriy K. on Unsplash