Ever feel like you have spent a life time pushing away the person who loves you the most?
Yes. Me too.
That’s what this week’s Healing Out Loud podcast episode is all about: those invisible walls we build when we have CPTSD. The ones that say, “I love you, but please stay right over there where it’s safe.”
If you know, you know.
CPTSD and the Fear of Being Fully Seen
I used to tell myself it was just “trust issues.” Or maybe that I was too “independent.” But the truth? For most of my life I’ve been scared. Scared that if someone got too close, they’d see all my broken pieces that I had spent years duct taping together. That they’d realize I was too much, or not enough, perhaps both. That if I showed up raw, real, and unfiltered, they’d walk away. And if they didn’t? Well, then I’d start wondering why they stuck around.
Because that kind of self-doubt? It doesn’t just knock quietly. It kicks the damn door in.
And when you’ve got abandonment issues too? It’s not just a door, it ends up being the whole house shaking.
Wanting Love, But Feeling Unsafe With It
In the episode, I talk about what it’s like to crave connection and simultaneously fear the hell out of it. That push-pull dynamic that comes with CPTSD, the one where you want to be held but also kind of want to hide under the bed. It’s exhausting. And confusing. Especially for the people who care about us.
The truth of it all is that it’s not because we’re cold or broken. It’s because our nervous systems learned, probably early on, that love wasn’t safe. That opening up got us hurt. And vulnerability came with a cost we couldn’t afford.
Healing Means Learning to Let People In
So we adapted. We armored up. And now? We’ve become adults trying to figure out how to slowly take the armor off, piece by piece, without losing ourselves along the way.
That’s the work. That’s the healing.
I don’t pretend to have it all figured out (trust me, my inner critic still has a megaphone), but I’m learning. Learning that maybe I am worth loving. That maybe someone seeing all of me, scars and all, isn’t the end of the world. That letting someone in, slowly, and with purpose, doesn’t have to mean losing control.
You’re Not Alone, Even If It Feels That Way
If any of those sentiments resonate with you, or if you’ve ever distanced yourself from someone because letting them in felt overwhelming, this episode is dedicated to you.
Because you’re not alone in this. And the walls? They don’t have to stay up forever.
Or catch it on your favorite streaming platform.
Photo by Emiliano Cicero on Unsplash