There is one thing that I was never prepared for in my healing, and that is the amount of grief we go through. It seems that once I have reached a certain point in my trauma recovery, the progress I have made comes with various amounts of it.
And I’m not talking about the grief everyone goes through in life, such as the loss of a loved one, a pet, or the loss of a relationship.
It’s grief for the things that I have lost because of my trauma. It’s the loss of my childhood. Time. The life I was never allowed to live. The person I am letting go and becoming.
It’s as if each layer of healing uncovers another depth of loss that I hadn’t fully acknowledged before. This journey has taught me that grief is not just a reaction to loss but an integral part of embracing my past and moving forward.
I am viewing the different decades I have lived and how they all were in the context of trauma. Even the good parts—places I loved, my relationships with people. They all seemed to carry an undercurrent of struggle. It’s amazing how even happy memories can be overshadowed by past challenges, shaping who I am today. Everything I have experienced contributes to a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me.
The more I reflect, the more I realize that acknowledging the pain is just as important as holding on to the joy, for both have shaped who I am today.
It’s a worthwhile process.
Don’t get me wrong; I am happy that I started my healing and working on myself. I can see the good things it has opened me up to, but this new life that I am embarking on is costing me an old life, and with that come complications. Complications that require me to confront my past and let go of many things that no longer serve my growth. It’s a bittersweet process, filled with many emotions. It’s been made much easier now that I can validate my own feelings and comfort myself through them, though.
I’m beginning to reclaim parts, and in doing so I’m allowed to be nostalgic too, for the good parts can still be good. They don’t have to be overshadowed by my child abuse, but it is hard. Especially the good memories I have with my abuser, and yes, there are some as conflicted as that makes me feel.
I know this struggle reflects the complex nature of memory and trauma, where positive experiences can coexist with the pain. Acknowledging these mixed feelings is an important step toward healing and reclaiming one’s narrative. It’s a definite delicate balance. I am still feeling sorry for the man he had to become to do what he did, and that frustrates me because in a way I know I am still giving him that control after all this time.
The intricate relationship between memories and trauma reveals a profound truth: healing is not linear but rather a multifaceted process that demands both introspection and time. To embrace the mixed feelings is essential, and as we work through the process we work towards understanding and growth.
Without grief we wouldn’t heal.
Even though there are various levels of grief to healing, I’ve noticed that once I started really getting into allowing myself to feel what I need to, the grieving process has become easier. I’m no longer fighting and judging myself for feeling the way I do. I know, as long as I’m not fighting these appropriate emotions, I’ve given myself the best chance to feel them authentically. And that’s what is important.
It’s a very personal journey that anyone who is in trauma recovery has to go through. The more self-acceptance we give ourselves without self-judgment, the more we heal. We stop suppressing our emotions and instead go through the process of feeling every single one. This allows us to fully understand what we went through and rebuild our lives.
It hasn’t been an easy road, but looking back, I am glad that I had the courage to start walking it. Each step has taught me a valuable lesson, and I will carry each of them into my new chapter.