It is said that statistically, about 71.4% of patients with cPTSD reported suicide attempts. Among these, 53.9% had at least one attempt, 18.8% had at least one hospitalization, and 35.8% had more than two attempts. (Source National Library of Medicine)

At one point in my life, I too became part of those statistics and contemplated taking my own life.

I had reached rock bottom and didn’t know where to turn. I had been misdiagnosed, and I knew that what my therapist at the time was treating me for wasn’t in fact what I was suffering from, and no amount of me speaking up did any good. They knew better, and I was there to seek their help.

There are many therapists out there that should have their credentials removed or at the least re-train, because they all aren’t knowledgeable in everything they claim to be and it can do more harm than good for a trauma victim. It’s why it’s essential that you find a therapist who is trained in trauma therapy.

A qualified therapist can provide the right tools and support to help individuals process their experiences and begin the healing journey. Finding someone with specific training in trauma-informed care can make a significant difference in recovery and overall well-being.

My rock bottom

My low self esteem, past traumas, feeling hopeless, lost, and completely alone led me into a very dark place that I saw no escape from. The only solution I saw at the time was to end my life. It was at the point that I took pills and drank a bottle of vodka in the hope that I wouldn’t wake up.

Fortunately, I did wake up the next day and the shame and guilt I felt was pure torture. To think that I would hurt my loved ones in that way gave me pause and it’s then I realized that something drastically needed to change. I knew I had to confront my actions and seek help, not just for myself, but for those I cared about.

It was then I sought in-care therapy and booked myself into a clinic upstate. I told no one what I had done or what I was doing. I simply disappeared for a few days. Being introverted gave me the opportunity to do that because people knew that I was a loner and could go periods of time without contact.

In truth, the few days I spent in the in-house clinic weren’t beneficial for me. I felt trapped and more alone than I had felt previously. It only amplified my isolation, and each passing day blurred together. But I took those days as a kind of respite. When I returned home I went about my daily life and it was only about 6 months later where I opened up to what exactly had happened.

The moment the change I needed began

It was my father and my aunt who were the catalyst for me seeking a new therapist and really putting in the effort to seek the help I needed. I don’t know how my aunt knew, but she knew something was wrong and that I needed them. They had actually booked a trip to Hawaii and instead came to visit me for a week. At the time I thought they were simply visiting myself and daughter and then they would travel to their vacation. I didn’t know until long after that they cancelled their original trip and rebooked, and instead came to check in on me.

That week spent with them changed my life for the better. It started me on the path that I am on today and allowed me to begin truly healing.

I am no longer ashamed to admit that I attempted suicide. I see it now as a low point and thought it was the only way out of the dark spiral I had fallen into. It’s something I never thought I would do, be someone who would feel that way, but I was. It has humbled me to know how badly mental health can affect even the strongest individuals.

It has taught me the importance of reaching out for help and supporting others who may be in similar situations. Now, I strive to use my experience to raise awareness and encourage open conversations about mental health, hoping to inspire those in need to seek the help they deserve.

I’ve looked back many times at that moment in my life and to see where I am today. It still shocks me to know what I was capable of and prepared to do. Thankfully, I have never reached such a low point since.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

Having cPTSD has made me feel like I was sculpted around my childhood trauma. I developed behaviors that I learned in an attempt to adapt to my environment, and for so long I had a very difficult time with emotions—experiencing them, controlling them, or even being able to comprehend or label them accurately. Often I felt chronically numb.

I struggled with how I viewed myself versus how the rest of the world saw me. All I saw was shame and blamed myself, even though I firmly know now that it was never my fault. To be told numerous times that I was competent, strong, and such a compassionate human being, and yet I carried so much baggage inside.

It’s been exhausting putting in immense effort the past few years to become more aware of the trauma responses and patterns to change them to healthier behaviors. Even when I thought I was doing better, I still was losing to the ingrained patterns that I knew to be wrong but was unable to stop. Having cPTSD is often fighting every day against a mental war that no one else can see or understand. And often, what is seen as a normal baseline for other people can feel like the ceiling to us.

My life living with cPTSD meant I have been functioning by a different set of rules that other people don’t fathom. But with time, the rules do change, and life becomes more hopeful. The glimmers become more frequent, and you learn to manage your triggers. What once dictated behavior and perception has gradually shifted, and you start to realize that life really is a beautiful thing in spite of all the obstacles that may be thrown at you.