I have a bone to pick with how we’re misusing one of the most powerful tools for emotional healing and turning it into feel-good slideshows and “this-is-why-you’re-toxic” infographics.

Attachment theory is one of the most powerful frameworks I’ve found for understanding how we connect, disconnect, and survive emotionally. It’s helped me unpack decades of complex trauma, shaky relationships, and the way I sometimes brace for emotional impact, like flinching when a door’s about to slam shut.

But lately, the weaponization of attachment theory is really starting to piss me off.

(If you want to understand how trauma shapes these emotional responses in real time, check out my post on recognizing trauma dysregulation as it happens.)

Here’s the thing: attachment theory is supposed to help us understand ourselves and each other. Instead, I keep seeing it used as:

1. A Diagnostic Weapon

People now say things like, “Oh, he’s avoidant,” or “She’s so anxious,” like they’re delivering a psychological mic drop. No curiosity. No nuance. Just label, diagnose, and dismiss. We’re treating attachment styles like astrological signs for people who ghost you.

It reduces real fear and pain into punchlines and keeps us from actually connecting.

That’s not healing. That’s projection with a prettier font.

2. Instagram Therapy Lite

Real attachment work? It’s slow and messy. It happens in therapy sessions and long, uncomfortable conversations with yourself. It involves grief. Fear. Vulnerability.

But online, it’s all boiled down into slideshows that say, “If he doesn’t text back, he’s avoidant, RUN!”

This oversimplified pop psychology turns a deeply compassionate framework into clickbait. It teaches people to pathologize human behavior instead of building empathy.  And worse, it trains people to be afraid of each other’s wounds instead of curious about them.

It needs to stop.

3. An Excuse for Bad Behavior

“I can’t commit because I’m avoidant.” “I need to check your phone because I’m anxious.”

Look, having a certain attachment style can explain behavior, but it doesn’t excuse immaturity, boundary-breaking, or emotional laziness. You still have to take responsibility for your impact.

Healing means owning your patterns, not turning them into disclaimers.

4. A Tool for Shame and Control

This one gets under my skin.

Sometimes I hear things like, “If you were secure, you wouldn’t feel that way.” Or, “Your disorganized style is too much for me.”

That’s not insight; that’s shaming. It’s not self-awareness; it’s using psychological language to control someone else’s emotional response.

You don’t get to declare yourself “secure” and use that as a weapon against someone who’s still in the thick of their healing.

What Attachment Theory Should be?

Attachment theory should encourage compassion. It should be a flashlight we shine on the scared, sticky parts of ourselves and each other. It should help us understand why we pull away, cling too hard, or feel like emotional connections are laced with landmines.

It’s not about labeling your partner and putting them in a trauma box with a lid.

It’s about asking, “What happened to you that makes this feel so unsafe?” And then, if you’re able, staying in the room long enough to actually hear the answer.

Final Thought

If you’ve ever used your attachment style as a license to hurt someone, dodge accountability, or make yourself feel superior, knock it off. You’re missing the point.

Attachment theory isn’t a blunt object. It’s a healing tool. Use it like one. It should help you build bridges, not burn them.

Photo by Claudio Schwarz on Unsplash