Everyone, at some point, has dealt with high-stress conflict situations, and I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling of having your nervous system hijack the moment. However, those of us who have CPTSD can experience those kinds of moments more significantly.

It can become a challenge when your brain decides it’s in “emergency shutdown mode” and you’re left scrambling to stay present, not to mention keeping your composure.

So, let’s talk about something that really isn’t fun: conflict. And no, I’m not referring to a “friendly disagreement” about the best pizza topping (please bear with me, pineapple lovers). I’m talking about those heavy, high-stakes conversations where your nervous system decides to quit on you. It’s like your brain hits the emergency shutdown button, and suddenly you’re left feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, or worse, like you’re completely frozen and can’t find the words to respond.

Yeah, I’ve been there. And let me tell you this: it’s such a distinct type of challenge when your body is just like, oh, I’m outta here, halfway through the conversation. So, how do you actually hold space in this type of scenario when your nervous system is basically, well, in meltdown mode?

Here’s what I’ve learned through trial, error, and a whole lot of deep breathing.

Step 1: Recognize the “Shut Down” for What It Is

Before we dive into solutions, we need to call out the obvious: You’re not weak or wrong for feeling this way. In fact, it’s your body doing what it’s been conditioned to do. Whether it’s freeze, fawn, or dissociate, these are all real trauma responses, and they serve as survival mechanisms.

If you can spot the signs early, like a racing heart, shallow breathing, and the feeling that your brain just checked out. Well, you’re already a step ahead. Awareness is half the battle. After all, your body’s trying to protect you, but now it’s time to remind it that it’s safe enough to stay present (no more shutting down, thank you very much).

Step 2: Ground Yourself Like a Superhero

When you start to feel your nervous system go haywire, here’s the magic trick: grounding yourself physically.

• Stand up, feel your feet on the floor.

• Press your fingertips together (you’re more stable than a tree trunk!).

• Name 3 things you can see, 2 things you can hear, and 1 thing you can feel.

And here’s the best part: When your brain can’t function because it’s in fight-or-flight mode, your body can still help you stay present. So, try deep breathing, you know, the kind where you make your exhale longer than your inhale. That simple, rhythmic pattern helps trigger your body’s “calm down” response. Think of it like the ultimate “pause button” for your nervous system.

Step 3: Permission to Pause

Listen, it’s totally okay to admit that you’re not at your best in that moment. Sometimes, you just need a breather. And guess what? It’s completely fine to take one.

Try saying something like, “Can we pause this for a moment? I’m trying to catch up with myself.” I promise, the world won’t end if you take a few seconds to get back in your body. You’re not abandoning the conversation. You’re simply making space for a more productive response (one that doesn’t involve you zoning out or blurting out something you’ll regret).

Step 4: Hold Space by Giving Yourself Some Space

Here’s the kicker: Holding space isn’t about remaining perfectly composed or offering immediate, eloquent responses. It’s about being present, even if you’re not in peak form.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit it and slow things down. In fact, you can still hold space for the other person’s feelings without abandoning your own.

So, try something like, “I really want to stay in this conversation, but I need a minute to gather my thoughts.” You’ve got permission to slow it down. And often, slowing down results in deeper connection and clearer communication.

Step 5: Don’t Forget About Post-Conflict Care

The real work often happens after the conflict ends. I’m talking about nervous system recovery, because let’s face it, no one wants to just walk away from a conversation like that and pretend everything is fine.

So, take a walk. Do some light stretching. Shake it out. Whatever it takes to reconnect to your body. If you need to vent or journal to process what happened, do it. Talk to someone who gets it. Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up for how you reacted.

Step 6: Strengthen Your Nervous System for Next Time

Okay, this last one isn’t a quick fix, but it is essential. If you want to be able to hold space with more ease during tough conversations, you’ve got to build resilience outside of the stressful moments.

Venture out to the beach or lake (seriously, it’s magic). Practice mindful breathing daily; it’s a game changer. Engage in regular bodywork, like massage or somatic therapy, to reset your system.

The more you nurture your body’s ability to stay grounded, the more equipped you’ll be to handle those high-stress moments. It’s like building emotional muscle. And trust me, it’s worth it.

You’ve Got This

Let me remind you, just because your nervous system freaks out during a conflict doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It just means your body is doing what it thinks it needs to survive. The trick is learning how to gently remind it that it’s okay to stay in the game, to stay present.

So the next time you find yourself in a too-much conversation, just remind yourself: it’s okay to breathe. It’s okay to stop. And it’s so much more than okay to practice self-care, because that is the space that you deserve in every conversation.

Photo by Martin Sanchez on Unsplash