Oh, I can’t stand ruminating! It’s one of the toughest parts of dealing with CPTSD, and trust me, there are a lot of tough parts.
It feels like I’m stuck in this mindset where if I just keep replaying things in my head, I’ll eventually figure it out. Like I’ll finally gain some clarity and, most importantly, get back control. But, instead, I just end up stuck in this loop, replaying the memory over and over, hoping that somehow, some solution will pop up. There are times when it feels like I have to go over every mistake I’ve ever made and every negative thing that’s happened. It’s like taking apart a puzzle and trying to piece it back together, but no matter how hard I try, the puzzle can never be completed.
It can be really draining and, honestly, destructive, especially when these ruminations go on for hours. It gets so intense, and then comes that weird “cotton wool” feeling in my head. Like, everything feels heavy, and focusing on anything else feels impossible. When I’m deep in those rumination moments, I sometimes wish I could just take my brain out of my head and toss it in the trash, just to get a break.
Music can help break the pattern.
To deal with it, I listen to jazz. Especially the chaotic and unpredictable stuff. I think that’s why music is such a big part of my life. Depending on how bad the ruminations get, the kind of music I listen to changes. For the worst times, jazz really helps. The improvisation and spontaneity of it all, how the musicians just go with the flow and surprise you. It kind of matches how my mind feels in those moments. It’s like the chaos of it somehow brings me peace. Weird, but it works!
I think rumination for me is a trauma response. It’s a way my brain tries to avoid the hard stuff. And even though I know it only puts off the real healing, it’s still so hard to control. The worst part is that it can just show up out of nowhere. I could be working on something, hanging out with people, and then boom!, my mind starts wandering, and I’m off on a tangent.
Will it ever stop? I wish I knew. But I’m hopeful that with the music, getting outside, exercising, and all the mindfulness stuff I’ve learned in therapy, it will get better. I can’t wait for the day when the ruminating finally slows down because, honestly, my brain could use some peace and quiet.