In therapy, I learned that healing can be lonely, a concept I didn’t fully grasp until recently.

As I work on myself and navigate through emotions and confront my past, I realize that the journey often feels isolating, even when surrounded by supportive friends and family. It quickly becomes clear that healing is a deeply personal process, requiring time and introspection that others may not fully grasp.

I was numb to my pain most of my life, and that feeling allowed me to avoid confronting my emotions. It also meant I didn’t build real relationships because I never let people in to see me fully. They were always kept at arm’s reach, as it was a way to protect myself, and for so long I was okay with that.

Healing is a deeply personal process

Putting in the work this past year, however, I’m finding myself at the stage where I realize I have very few healthy connections. Yes, it was because of my own doing, but it doesn’t make that realization any easier. And with so much grieving going on with letting go of my past self, who I have always known and who helped me survive all these years, it has been difficult, but it needed to be done.

I honestly wasn’t prepared for this very large bump in the road. I’m healing, but now I’ve cleared out all the fog, and I can see how lonely I really am, and that surprises me, as I have always been introverted and even liked my own company. The solitude feels heavy, yet I know it’s also a chance to rediscover myself in this quiet space. This yearning for connection, however, is so new and scary for me, but I know it comes with the territory of allowing myself to be vulnerable, and that is a positive thing.

I think the loneliness is an old feeling that’s always been there and now that things have calmed down enough, I can feel it. I am starting to see exit signs out of the hell I have been in for the better part of 10 years since my trauma came out and I was diagnosed with cPTSD, and I know that is something to celebrate.

Re-discovering who I am

There’s a definite transition taking place, and in that transition I am seeing how important it is to build relationships that align with my growth and support my emotional well-being. For the first time in my life, I am seeing what healthy looks like, and I am finding myself with a low tolerance for dysfunction. I also notice more so that more often than not, people choose comfort over authenticity. I have been guilty of it, but it seems so blatantly obvious how so many people do it now that I’m healing.

For so long I placed myself into a box where I wasn’t allowing myself to actually be, and now that I am out of that box, I see that life has so much to offer that I’m going into 2025 with positivity.

I plan on nurturing emotional well-being and embracing a healthier lifestyle. I am going to push myself to do more of the things I enjoy, be it joining a walking or a mountain bike group. There will also be more traveling. Importantly, I am going to lean into building a relationship with myself and learn who this new Jack is. Yes, it will continue being lonely for a while, but it will be worth it because for the first time I will know who I am, and that self-acceptance will be something that will put me on the final journey of having what I have always craved: peace and happiness.

After all. I am not my past. I don’t live there anymore. Healing has made that more evident than ever before.