Can People Really Change?
I received an email from a reader recently asking if people can change.
At first I was going to reply with a simple yes, of course people can change. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it’s not that simple. Change isn’t something you say, it’s something you do. It’s a choice you have to make. It’s uncomfortable, messy, and anything but easy. But it is possible, if you’re willing to face yourself honestly. And not everyone is prepared to do that.
Wanting to Change Isn’t the Same as Doing the Work
We talk about change all the time. People say, “I’ve changed,” or “I’m not that person anymore.” And sometimes that’s true. But change isn’t about saying the right words or posting about how much you’ve grown.
It’s about the stuff no one sees, the hard, quiet work. Taking accountability. Sitting in the guilt or shame that hits when you finally see the impact of what you’ve done. And not running from it this time.
I’ve been on both sides of that. I’ve been the one who’s hurt people, sometimes because I didn’t know better, and sometimes because I was reacting from my pain. And that’s not an excuse; it’s just the truth. It took me years to understand that healing isn’t just about what happened to me, but also what happened through me, and what I did with that pain.
The Proof Is in the Growth
Real change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s gradual, and It sneaks up quietly in the small stuff, in how you react, and the way you talk to people.
For me, growth looks like taking accountability, having more honest conversations, and a lot more patience, mostly with myself. I can see my old patterns when they start creeping back in now, and I try to choose differently. Not always perfectly, but differently.
That doesn’t mean I get it right every time. But I’m conscious now. Present. And that’s what growth looks like in real life: it’s awareness in motion.
Not the Same Person I Was
If I look back at who I was a few years ago, I see someone carrying a lot of internal pain. But I’m not that person anymore, because I’ve done the work, faced the hard truths, and learned to show up differently. And honestly, I hope I never stop being a work in progress.
Change doesn’t mean erasing the past or pretending you’ve always had it all figured out. It’s about taking the lessons with you, forgiving yourself where you need to, and moving forward in a way that actually honors who you’re becoming.
Healing Is Change in Slow Motion
Living with CPTSD has taught me that change often doesn’t look like transformation; it looks like survival, one moment at a time. It’s catching yourself before you spiral or being kind to a part of you that used to only know shame.
The healing work is slow, but it is change. And if you stick with it long enough, one day you look back and realize you don’t react the same way, you don’t feel the same fear, and you finally trust yourself a little more than before.
I’ve personally noticed that I’m a lot more patient, not only with myself but also with others. That’s something I couldn’t have imagined a few years ago. And my self-awareness has deepened in ways I never expected; I can actually see my patterns now and choose differently.
That’s not just change. That’s healing becoming visible.
So, can people really change?
Yes, they can, but only when they’re willing to face themselves, own their mistakes, and keep showing up even when it hurts. I know, because that’s how I’ve changed. And I’m still changing.
If you want to read more about how hurt can cycle through people and how to start breaking that pattern, check out my post: Healing from CPTSD: When Hurt People Hurt People.
Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash