Thinking Instead of Feeling: My Lifelong Habit
There’s something I’ve always done, and frustratingly still do, even with all the tools I’ve learned in therapy: I tend to think my way through emotions instead of fully feeling them.
Allow me to explain.
I do feel things, yes. But I have a hard time actually releasing them. Crying, for example, feels almost impossible. The feelings build up, but it’s as if they get stuck right at my throat.
The Emotional Safety Filter I Learned Young
It’s like my system runs a “safety filter” on emotions before they can get too close to the surface. The logic part of my brain swoops in to manage, analyze, and contain everything before it can spill over.
On one hand, that’s a survival skill. When I was younger, letting emotions run free didn’t feel safe or even possible. On the other hand, now that I am safe, that same filter can feel like a dam that refuses to open.
And annoyingly: I know I can’t logic my way into an emotional release, just like I can’t think myself into a sneeze.
Understanding the Emotional Dam
I’ve come to realize that this “emotional dam” isn’t stubborn for no reason. It was built with purpose. For years, my nervous system learned that too much feeling was dangerous, dangerous to express, dangerous to show, and sometimes even dangerous to acknowledge. If you’ve ever wondered how this kind of wiring can develop, 7 Signs You Might Be Living with CPTSD explains it in more depth.
When you grow up in an environment where vulnerability can be used against you, your body becomes an expert at emotional crowd control. It doesn’t matter if the danger is long gone; the system doesn’t just forget. It still sends the same old signals: Contain this. Don’t let it out. Keep it together.
The Cost of Holding Back Feelings
And so, my emotions pile up neatly behind the dam. They’re categorized, analyzed, and stored like files in a cabinet. Everything stays organized, but nothing actually leaves.
The irony is, I know now that the only way through is to feel them. But knowing that and actually letting go are two very different things. Letting go requires more than permission; it requires safety, and not the kind you can just decide to feel.
Creating a Sense of Safety for Emotional Release
These days, I’m figuring out how to make that sense of safety in little, everyday ways. Sometimes it’s moving my body, a slow walk, listening to mellow music, just to remind myself, I’m here now, not back there. Simple ways that help me reconnect until my nervous system finally gets the hint that it’s okay to soften.
And sometimes… nothing happens. No tears or release. Just a little more space inside. And I’ve decided that’s okay too. Because maybe healing isn’t about smashing the dam all at once; maybe it’s about letting the smallest cracks form, one by one, until the water starts to move again.
You’re Not Broken If You Struggle to Feel
If you’ve ever felt this way, trapped between knowing and feeling, please know it’s normal. Your body’s just been doing its best to keep you safe, even if the methods are outdated.
We don’t have to cry on a whim or feel everything all at once to be “doing the work.” Sometimes healing is slow and quiet, showing up in subtle shifts we only notice later.
So, if all you manage today is to sit with yourself without judgment, that’s enough. The dam will open when it’s ready. Until then, you’re still moving forward, one crack, one drop, one breath at a time.