I am someone who needs to understand things. I like to deep dive and learn. So, having trauma and cPTSD, it has always been mind-boggling to me why I would do certain things or act in certain ways without fully understanding as to why.

Today, in therapy, I was confronted with some hard truths. I have had snippets and tiptoed around them and even written about certain aspects, but today was the day they hit me like a freaking freight train, and I was able to say it out loud. I mean. I knew, but didn’t. If that makes sense?

I actually sat in my therapy session, and it was like a light bulb moment. It finally clicked. I even let out a resounding “fuuuuuck” as it sunk in. My therapist even smiled and gave me a “there you go,” as if he were patting me on the back for my self-discovery. For my break through.

I have done things that have hurt people I cared about. I self-sabotaged relationships, and everything I have done was to ultimately punish myself. Not to punish others, but myself, because I felt I wasn’t deserving of being loved for who I was. Every time I self-sabotaged, I felt I was deserving of the pain and the unhappiness. When in reality, I never was.

I blamed myself for something that was not my fault

For so long, I had blamed myself for my child abuse. It was deeply ingrained in me that even though I would think I wasn’t to blame, the seed had been planted long ago and it grew roots. Roots that I never really removed. They lay there and took shape.

I have been told many times by different people that I am kind and caring and I’m not a bad person. But I did things because I was so broken underneath that I acted in ways that ultimately hurt me as punishment. I hurt others too with my actions to again punish myself, as I knew deep down that hurting people I cared about would damage me more.

Some people deliberately self-harm by cutting or burning themselves to cope with trauma, as it takes the pain from the inside to the outside. Emotional self harm did that for me. I self-sabotaged while grappling with feelings of worthlessness and feeling unlovable that, for me at the time, were too overwhelming to express. I buried my pain deep within, believing it was easier to suffer in silence than to speak up, and instead of speaking up, I acted out.

My brain became dysregulated due to childhood trauma and that it programmed itself for survival, preferring the dissociation response. This coping mechanism, while initially protective, ultimately became a barrier for not giving me what I wanted and needed the most. To be loved and accepted for being ME.

I hated myself that much.

You have to continue the hard work

It’s not easy to finally hear the hard truths, and perhaps I haven’t been ready to hear them completely until now. But it has been essential. To take the time to explore the mechanics behind my impulses. Because so much of my impulses were controlled not by what was happening in the moment but by moments in the past. Learning this today has given me the understanding I’ve needed and provided clarity into my past actions, and by uncovering the reasons behind what I did, I can now work more on my healing. On forgiving myself.

Being sexually abused as a child can have profound and lasting effects on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being. The damage it does has rippling effects that can take years to manifest. In my case, I hit 40 before things started bubbling to the surface.

Self-loathing and self-choking hatred, lack of self-worth, self-confidence, and emotional arousal were all things that made me into something that I am now angry I allowed myself to be. To do things I have done and to hate myself to the point that would make me self-sabotage the very things I craved for all the while giving something that much power over me is quite the mind trip.

There is a lot of self-reflection going on, and to now have this much self-awareness is empowering. It’s another step on my healing journey and another reason I am proud of myself. I’m proving that healing is possible, but it’s a constant practice and one I suspect will be ongoing for quite sometime.