For far too long, I have felt that I wasn’t good enough.

I would seek validation from others.

I saw the relationship I had with another as a grading point for my worthiness, and when those relationships ended, the reinforcement I received was the same every time. That I wasn’t worthy, and that’s why I was abandoned. Which I now know to be completely false.

After everything I have been through and survived, I am good enough. In fact, I am over qualified, and that is what I remind myself every time my cPTSD wants to take over and the negative feelings start to creep in.

Instead of letting the negative emotions take control, I force myself to hold space for positive emotions and self-compassion. And every time I do that, the easier it is to get to believe in myself and understand that I am not for everyone. Even when I wish to be. I am just not. Nobody is.

It took me a really long time to understand that when you start giving out positive emotions, they are reciprocated in kind. That the right people will start to gravitate towards us, and it’s those people we need to hold on to and cherish.

Separating myself from my inner critic

In order to give myself self-compassion, I have to work hard, reaffirm positive affirmations, and, most importantly, separate myself from my inner critic. Because it’s that very inner critic that beats me down and makes me believe the worst parts of myself. In doing so, it goes a long way to changing my state of mind.

I also now realize that if I don’t hide my inner demons but remain accountable for them, I am going to find people that will meet me exactly how I am. Instead of seeing the mask version and liking him.

I still don’t have all the answers, and I am working on setting my boundaries continuously. To notice and learn what I am comfortable with and need. But importantly, to communicate those wants and needs, because without communicating, how will anyone ever know?

Is it easy? Not at all. Especially when you have been so used to shutting down and not expressing yourself because it felt safer.

I have been so used to trying to control how people would perceive and feel about me, which would ultimately trigger a hypervigilant state on accident because I was trying to mindread or catch any hint that there’s something wrong so I could fix it so they would still like and accept me. It simply became too much effort and I am tired of living my life that way. So I am refusing to do it anymore.

Looking at things differently

So, in moving forward, I expect the same amount of communication from other people, and if they can’t give me that, then I am not for them and they don’t belong in my space. No matter how much empathy I have. I no longer wish to be focused on the mindreading hypervigilance that my trauma has enabled me with. It might seem like a good tool to possess, but it’s really not.

I can’t read people’s minds and fixate on small cues or changes in their behaviors. It makes me take a step back, second guess, and not be present in the moment. I have to allow them to be adult enough to communicate with me if they have an issue or are uncomfortable. And I have to acknowledge that if they really want to, they will when they are ready to do so.

It’s not easy letting go of that control, but in order for my own peace, I need to. After all it’s what I have said for a long time. I want peace and calmness in my life.

I will do my best to show up as authentically as possible, advocate for myself, communicate, take up space, and know that I am inherently worthy and deserve respect and affection, safety and peace, and all those other basic human needs.

I don’t need to be exceptional. My trauma and cPTSD have told me that. Instead, I just need to be Jack and know I am good enough just the way I am. Flaws and all.