Ever have one of those days where nothing’s technically wrong, but everything just feels off? Like, you’re not sure what’s happening, but something’s misaligned, and you can’t quite put your finger on it?

Yeah, that’s me today.

I’m dealing with this allergy attack that came out of nowhere, like an uninvited guest at a party. Pollen’s doing its thing, and it feels like a tree has sneezed in my face. My sinuses are holding a grudge, and my energy is basically non-existent. The weather is no better, gray and heavy, the kind of day that makes you think the city itself is attempting to smother you with a blanket of wetness. It‘s the kind of pressure that pinches your chest, like the sky holding hostage.

CPTSD’s Sneaky Invasion: No Warning, Just Chaos

But here’s where it gets tricky: When I’m already feeling like this, my CPTSD sees an opportunity. No warning, no invitation, just bam. It slips in like it owns the place, rearranges the furniture in my brain, and takes up all the space I don’t have to give. Suddenly, I’m battling more than just allergies.

My body’s already running on half-power, just trying to keep up with my foggy brain, and there’s nothing left to hold off the trauma. It floods in like smoke. Familiar, fast, and impossible to ignore. And when it does, it doesn’t just tap me on the shoulder and say, “Hey, remember that thing?” Nah. It cranks up the volume and forces me to relive every painful memory like it’s happening right now.

It’s kind of wild how quickly things can escalate from “I’m just tired from allergies” to “Why does this feel like I’m reliving every painful thing that’s ever happened?” But that’s the nature of CPTSD. It doesn’t need much to slip in. Just a bad day, a worn-out body, and a crack in the system, and suddenly, the past is back, dragging its luggage into the present.

It’s a lot to carry.

The Chaos Inside vs. The Calm Outside

From the outside, it probably looks like I’m just having a slow, lazy day. But inside? Total chaos. My body’s fighting off pollen; my brain’s trying to keep it together; and my heart’s stuck in this loop of old pain and memories that don’t know when to stop.

So yeah, today’s tough. Not because something set me off, but because the layers piled up. And maybe that’s okay. Not every day needs to be fixed. Some days just need to be survived. I’m not trying to “win” today. I’m just trying to stay here, stay aware, and remind myself that I’ve been through this before, and I’ll get through it again. That’s enough for today.

Because you know what? Perhaps surviving is the win. When you’re in the middle of your own rough day, it’s important to remember: It’s okay not to fix everything, and it’s perfectly fine to just be in the moment without needing to do anything.

Photo by karina trinidad on Unsplash