For as long as I can remember, I have spent time scrambling to prove my worth. All because my cPTSD has prevented me from feeling worthy. And what made it even harder to accept is when I really opened up and let someone in to see the real me, and for whatever reason they ended up leaving, it hurt because I felt that the person I am was not being accepted. So I ended up lowballing myself all because of what my mind made me believe.
It’s a cycle that I am working hard on breaking, and with the help of therapy, I am slowly beginning to understand that no one should ever make you feel like you are hard to love or be accepted. Of course, it is easier said than done, but the steps I am taking are giving me some insight into who I want to be, and that begins within me and being able to love myself.
I am choosing to become comfortable in my vulnerability
My whole life I had to be guarded. I had to protect myself because I knew no other way. That meant only showing the parts of myself that I thought others wanted to see. After all, I didn’t like myself, so how could anyone else? At least that was always my belief. And yet, I have wanted nothing more than to be fully accepted for who I am.
“Never depend upon the admiration of others. There is no strength in it. Personal merit cannot be derived from an external source. – Epictetus”
It’s taken me a long time, but I now understand that your most powerful self exists. You just need to know how to tap into it. Growth, love, and shifting mindsets, as well as creating new beliefs, are all the keys to helping you. I am choosing to become comfortable in my vulnerability; after all, vulnerability precedes almost every significant part of my life, and it all started when I began this website.
I choose to write for myself and not for an audience
To share my innermost thoughts, my fears, and my past trauma so openly was something I never thought I would be able to do, and yet here I am. I choose to write for myself and not for an audience, and I think that is what has kept me motivated. This is my safe space, and if anyone happens to come across it, then great. I hope they find something in my words that will help them or that they can learn from, but ultimately, that’s not why I am doing this. I am doing this for me.
My battle isn’t just feeling unworthy and having a tough day. My battle is with my mind and my cPTSD. This is a lifelong condition that I wake up to every single day. It’s in part developmental trauma, all stemming from my child abuse. I have to fight my own brain to validate my trauma and stop it from making me think that I am unworthy, unlovable, and even hating myself, and adding further complexities to that, such as continuingly scrambling to prove my self-worth, isn’t helping me in the long run. It’s too exhausting and causes me further pain.
Making conscious choices to improve myself is something that has been long overdue. I don’t feel as stuck as I used to, which means that in my daily battle with cPTSD, I’m winning and enabling myself to recover, and that means more to me than you know.