It’s been a very transformative year for me. Especially as I look back to where I was this time last year and what has taken place.

It came to a point where I found myself at a crossroads. I had to decide if I was going to continue my patterns that were not only hurting myself but others or make a conscientious effort to enact real change. I chose the latter, and I am so happy I did.

I wish I could say it has been easy, but it hasn’t been. I have had moments where I just wanted to revert back to my old ways and close myself off, but I knew that there was no happiness to be found in doing that. Instead I have opened up to a world of possibilities I never thought possible. With each step I took in moving forward, I’ve discovered new strengths within myself and a deeper sense of purpose.

What I find quite significant is how calm I feel. The confidence I have again and, importantly, finally knowing what being happy actually means. And all that just by taking that last step in my healing and letting go of those old damaging patterns. I actually feel as if there’s a weight been lifted and I feel.. almost free. I say almost as I know there is still work to be done, but to actually feel the transformation within myself and not from someone simply telling me they see changes, is quite the tell.

Biggest Step: Accepting That I Have CPTSD

I have known for the past 5 years that I had cPTSD, but I don’t think I ever really accepted it. I often found myself downplaying my experiences, convincing myself that I could handle everything on my own. However, as time went on, it became increasingly clear that acknowledging my condition was essential for my healing and growth. The most challenging part was processing the pain I had bottled up inside for many years since childhood.

For the longest time I didn’t want to face any of it. Facing my abuse meant it was real. It also meant I had to accept how much pain I had endured, and that’s been tough to do. But I’ve done it, and I’m proud of myself that I am here. Even if it has taken me until a later stage in life.

I’ve never been one to adhere to clichés such as “new year, new me” bullshit. But I actually find myself feeling that exact way. There is a new me entering into a new year with a fresh perspective and renewed determination. This time, I’m ready to embrace change and let go of the coping mechanisms that have held me back for so long.

I’ve lost a lot this past year, but I have also gained a lot, too. I’ve learned to appreciate the small moments and the support of those that truly care about me, because they may not have been aware that the belief they had in me that I could be the Jack I’ve always wanted to be gave me the strength to keep pushing forward.

2025 is a New Year and with it comes a blank page. I intend to fill it with new beginnings and lots of happy moments.