One of the sneakiest things about living with CPTSD or carrying trauma is how we slowly build a sky-high tolerance for emotional pain, and don’t even realize we’re doing it. It becomes second nature, like breathing. At first, we tell ourselves we’re strong, tough, resilient, and yes, all those things are true. Those words aren’t lies. We’ve survived things that should have broken us.

However, here’s the catch: that pain tolerance? It’s not always something to be proud of. Sometimes, it’s just an old survival strategy that stuck around long after it needed to.

In truth, what helped us get through the worst of it, the numbing out, over-functioning, and brushing off pain like it’s nothing, can quietly turn into a way we abandon ourselves. Over time, we stop checking in and asking ourselves what exactly it is we need. And sadly, it happens more often than we care to admit.

We Don’t Flinch Anymore, And That’s… Kinda Scary

When you’ve lived through long stretches of trauma, whether it was abuse, emotional neglect, abandonment, or anything that left deep marks, you learn to keep going. You have to. And over time, that constant exposure builds something like calluses around your emotions.

We actually stop noticing how much we’re carrying.

A friend cancels plans? No big deal. Someone crosses a boundary? “It’s fine.” You’re overwhelmed and exhausted? Push through. You might even start to believe that your pain doesn’t “count” because you’ve felt worse.

But really, that’s the emotional pain tolerance talking. It’s the inner voice that says, “This isn’t that bad. I’ve been through worse.”

And honestly? That voice has probably kept you alive. So thank you, voice. But also… please take several seats.

Just Because You’re Numb Doesn’t Mean You’re Okay

Here’s the thing: feeling nothing doesn’t mean nothing happened. Just because you’re used to pain doesn’t mean it’s healthy to keep absorbing it.

Having a high pain tolerance can blur your radar. You might stay in toxic situations longer than you should, dismiss your own needs, or think asking for help is being dramatic. Even though it’s not.

Emotional pain is still pain, even when you’ve trained yourself to ignore it.

Part of healing is learning to notice again. Not in a way that drowns you, but in a way that says, “Hey, that actually hurt. I deserve to take care of myself.”

It’s learning to say:

• “I don’t have to or want to carry this alone anymore.”

• “I deserve kindness.”

• “Just because I can handle pain doesn’t mean I should have to.”

We aren’t weak for feeling. Nor are we broken for struggling. And we are definitely not being dramatic by honoring our own wounds.

This isn’t about losing your toughness. It’s about reclaiming your softness, too.

Therapy Helps Us Learn How to Be Kind

Healing isn’t just about fixing what’s broken, it’s also about learning to treat ourselves with the same compassion we’d show to a friend. Sometimes, that means unlearning the ugly ways we’ve been taught to survive.

Therapy is a large part of that process, especially because it teaches the right tools. It makes us shift how we think about who we are, learn new coping skills, and, most importantly, develop self- compassion. It teaches us that kindness is a necessity.

Because the truth is, we can’t pour from an empty cup, and we don’t have to and never should carry pain alone.

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