I have reached a point in my healing where I am letting go of my old self. The person who has been with me throughout my many survival years.

It’s a process that’s terrifying and a road of uncertainty. After all, who exactly am I if not the person I have always been?

I’ve been looking at my past self so much as of late and just see so much pain, confusion, and resentment, and instead of beating myself up and falling into old patterns of a shame spiral, I am learning that the only valid emotions are compassion, sadness, and anger. Not anger at that person I have been. Anger at the individual who let that person reach those extreme coping mechanisms.

What is a child supposed to do with the unnameable amounts of pain?  Be perfect and healed all of a sudden without actually having healed, without a safe space, and processing all that painful, toxic belief system I was fed from such a young age?

Showing Compassion And Self Love

Without the proper development or the nurturing that pain follows us all through our lives, into adulthood, and we continue patterns and make mistakes until we realize—with the help of many hours of therapy—that what we are doing is not helping at all.

We begin to learn the proper coping mechanisms. We work on self-love. On compassion. The development processes we should have been taught as a kid is finally taught to us as adults. We learn to re-direct the anger and understand that a child in pain is not in control. We may be adults, but we are still emotional stuck in those years the abuse took place.

I’ve done things I am not proud of because of who I became from my abuse. Things I wish I could take back. Every single day.  But I can’t. What’s done is done, and I have had to accept the parts I played and work hard on forgiving myself.

Often, I feel that speaking my truth and understanding why I was how I was and the actions I took are being excused. When that’s not what I am trying to do. I did what I did, thinking it was the right choice for me in that moment. In taking a step back and evaluating things and in asking for help and support and to see my own behavior for what it was, I have taken steps and worked tirelessly to change it and improve.

Walking A New Path Brings New Opportunities

And so, here I find myself settling into further grief. A stage I have become all too accustomed to, but one that is needed. I am no longer the person I have been. He doesn’t fit me anymore, nor does he belong in this stage of my healing journey, and letting him go is sad. He is all I’ve ever known.

Everything I’ve thought about myself and my life is going to be different than I believed it to be. Sadness is natural, especially in a transition like this, but it is essential.

I have had to undo so much and allow myself to grow, as uncomfortable as it has made me feel. I am in essence mourning a loss. But I know it’s not all bad. There are still parts of me that can continue on in my new chapter. The good parts that make me the Jack that I know I can and will be. Who exactly is he? I am not entirely sure yet. But I am looking forward to getting to know him.