This quote hits home every time I read it.

Far too often we get so used to the struggle that we forget. Or for some of us, we are only starting to learn what it means to be happy and experience joy because our trauma happened at such a young age that it is all we have ever known.

Even the smallest of emotions that I have been feeling as of late feels so foreign and makes me quite uncomfortable. Not because they are bad feelings, but because I don’t know what to do with them, and to trust them takes a moment.

We are changed fundamentally as a person by pain. So I am doing my best to shift my perspective from identifying as trauma being events that made me who I am into something that simply happened to me. It’s all too easy to get stuck in the victimhood place because yes, I was a victim, but it becomes a construct that keeps me stuck. I have put in the time and committed myself to trying to better myself.

I am, however, finding myself currently at that stage of “okay, but how am I supposed to feel now?” and rewiring the brain to manage new expectations has definitely been a hard ‘trick’ to learn. But I am noticing small changes, even if there is still that little voice in the back of my mind telling me that healing isn’t possible. I know deep down that it is and I am.

Practising mindfulness to help me experience happiness

I have been doing simple things to help ground my body and to compensate for all the tension and overwhelming stimuli that I have carried around for years. Things to allow me to recognize safety. They may seem trivial to anyone else, but when you have lived your life in a state of constant fight or flight, these small things can be so beneficial.

It includes breathing exercises. Having a warm cup of tea. Listening to my favorite music. Lighting scented candles and having colorful flowers in my apartment. All things that allow me to train my senses to be oriented more toward safety so that way I respond appropriately to whatever stimuli are in my environment.

I have also been told that therapy continues to happen outside of the therapy room. So, I am trying to do more things that will bring me joy. One of those things is walking. I have been doing so much of it as of late that it is becoming something I look forward to. Taking walks around the city and finding art installations or hidden gems that I never even knew existed before.

Simply practicing feeling good is progress.

Of course, it’s not easy and I have to continuously put in the work. But it is becoming habitual and every little step I take is putting me further on the path of reaching my end goal of finding inner peace.

I look back at how far I have come and I honestly never believed I would get to where I am today. But I am here. It’s been a battle and I have a hell of a lot of scars, but I am still standing and I am damn proud of that accomplishment.