I’ve touched briefly on how those of us with cPTSD love differently and that we often get tarred with the “cannot be loved brush,” which is the furthest from the truth. But how is it for individuals who love someone with trauma and cPTSD?

I can only imagine it’s not a walk in the park.

I asked someone close to me to fill me in from their perspective, and some of the things I discovered were hard to hear, but it was said with honesty. Not only has it helped me to better understand how someone else views me, but how it was being in a relationship with me.

There is an increased need for me to protect the people I care about, and I know I can come across as tense, controlling, or demanding at times. Which can be challenging for the person on the receiving end. It doesn’t come from a bad place. We know all too well the evil that goes on in this world that it comes from our chaotic minds wanting to keep things in our orbit, safe.

It’s important to always communicate

With having an avoidant attachment style, it takes me a lot to get close to someone and open up. I have to have a lot of trust on my part to be able to do that. And I find it hard to believe anyone can love me, so I’ve been known to self-sabotage or self-distance even when things are going well because I have a constant feeling that something bad is going to take place, or I will be told that I am not wanted anymore. This is because I need to be in control and be prepared for the worst possible outcomes. The more sense of preparedness I have, the better I can adapt to any situation.

We need a lot of patience and understanding, and much like the frustrations that others may feel around us, we need for them to demonstrate repeatedly that we can trust them. Communication is key, and if on a day that I struggle to communicate myself or miscommunication occurs, that very patience is paramount, as it allows me to know that I am safe with them to work through any issues that may arise.

To be told you are extremely lovable and caring when all you feel inside is unworthiness and self-loathing takes a lot of work on our part to flip the script and actually start believing what we are being told. But it is possible. You just have to do the hard work and keep doing it even on the days where you struggle the most.

Authentic connections are key

To have a genuine connection with someone that you can be vulnerable and authentic with is invaluable in any relationship, but for those of us with trauma and cPTSD, it is so important. And I would recommend anyone who is entering into a relationship with someone with cPTSD to take the time to educate themselves on what it is, because it’s not easy to live with it, but it is also not easy to be the person on the other side.

Walking on constant eggshells is not good for any relationship, so don’t. But be aware of the irrational fears that we have and acknowledge our triggers. People can’t fix us, but they can support us while we work on ourselves. They can remind us why we are worth it, because we are. As well as show us different ways of thinking or behaving. They won’t be the ones to win the war, but they can fight on our side. However, relying too heavily on others for validation can lead to a lack of personal accountability and hinder true growth. It’s essential to recognize that while support is valuable, the responsibility for change ultimately lies within ourselves.

It’s taken me many years to process my trauma and understand that a lot of my own poor self-worth and believing I was undeserving of love due to my traumas was unfortunately projected onto the people closest to me. It’s rare to find someone who will be there for you and is forgiving of the pain placed on them. I know I am unable to fix the past, but everything I have learned up to this point is putting me in better standing to move forward in the healthiest way I can.

We can overcome our past trauma

I am fortunate in that I am many years into my healing and therapy. There have been many mistakes along the way, and it hasn’t been easy by any means. I had to learn and open up to what had happened to me as a child, and then I had to re-live everything while I processed it. Once I was able to do that, that is when the work was put into place to begin healing, and every day since then I have to continue that work.

Childhood trauma casts a long shadow that influences our lives and how we view ourselves and the world around us. Revisiting and re-living these past memories becomes a crucial step in understanding the depth of their impact, allowing us to unravel feelings that may have been suppressed for years. Through this process, we can begin to uncover and process our trauma, gaining knowledge that pave the way for genuine healing.

However, the journey doesn’t stop there; it requires ongoing work that involves putting into practice what we learn in therapy. This commitment to healing requires a continuous work and re-evaluation as we assess what helps us and where further growth is needed. Ultimately, facing childhood trauma is not merely about reliving painful moments but transforming them into opportunities for real personal growth and to allow us to have long lasting relationships.