Healing isn’t liner. There is no straight line to it. There are ups and downs, and it ebbs and flows. It’s undoubtedly a process that necessitates patience and the determination to persevere, even on days when I feel overwhelmed and discouraged. It’s those days that I know I have to fight off the exhaustion and dig that extra bit deeper.

With healing, it really does get worse before it gets better. There is no escaping that. But the shift that begins to happen becomes noticeable. I now realize that I am able to sit with those hard feelings and that I can lean into them. That’s when the disassociating becomes less and eventually stops. It can and does become extremely uncomfortable to do so because I am actually in the feelings that for so long I had supressed.

The power that we take back in healing is remarkable. When you sit with yourself in this state of being where you don’t have it all together, the shame and self-hatred could so easily set in. What we are actually doing is accepting ourselves. All the parts. It’s also having a constant conversation with myself and knowing I will enter and exit stages of grief multiple times. That’s one of the hardest aspects because you get into the groove of thinking you are on solid ground, only for another wave to knock you over.

Entering a new stage of healing

I’ve begun to recognize my own triggers and when I do, I know to check in with myself. That’s not to say it’s a walk in the park. It’s far from it, and even now I still am dealing with emotions that I am still processing. But what is important is that I am doing so in a healthy way. I am owning my faults. My actions and my self-sabotaging. And that’s progress.

The emotion I find myself processing right now is guilt. For things I have done when I was self-sabotaging. I am trying to own the hurt I have caused others and understand that not everything I have done can be forgiven. And that’s hard for me because of my own empathy. I am also remembering more aspects of what took place during my abuse as a child. things I wish I didn’t remember, but because I am doing things in a healthy way, my brain is unravelling memories as it knows my body can handle it. At least that is what my therapist tells me.

I look at it as exposure therapy. While revisiting those painful memories still hurts, having these issues out in the open somewhat lessens the impact. They aren’t able to hurt me as much because I am not allowing them to. I now have more awareness, understanding, acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, and encouragement for changing things as much as possible in my desired direction going forward.

It really has been one day at a time, but I truly feel that putting in the work I have to heal is and has been worth it, and long may it continue because there is no going back.