In my healing journey, I have come to understand that all of the personality traits, both positive and negative, that I identify with are the result of trauma responses and coping mechanisms. At my age of 51 years old and learning, that brings a lot of emotions up as I am only now discovering who I actually am.
Regardless of your age or stage in life, the journey of self-discovery is never completely over, but for me it feels as if I should at the very least have some kind of understanding by now and yet I fully don’t. I mean, I know to a point. I know I am a father, a friend, and a brother, but all those character traits are for other people. The way I perceive myself, others, and the world around me is all the result of abuse. What happened to me as a child has shaped who I am today.
I know I will never have one single epiphany moment of clarity that gives me the final, clear picture of who I am at my core. I know that is only wishful thinking, and the self-discovery will be a gradual process, and that is done by identifying my values, my self-worth, and my boundaries. I will need to continue to answer a lot of questions that I ask myself, and that will take time. That I will need to allow myself grace and, most importantly, to be patient with myself.
I am Letting my inner child shine
In therapy, I have been kind of tapping into the inner parts types and seeing what they wanted and needed and didn’t get, and the big thing that keeps popping up is that I lost my childhood. I wasn’t allowed to be a child and learn child things. So, I have been working on letting my inner child shine. To listen to it more and sit with it, because it’s that inner voice that needs to be heard the most.
I am told I am kind and caring. That I have a big heart, and that is what I give out to people, which isn’t a bad thing. Even if my trauma is what shaped that part of me. Would I have developed these traits in any circumstance, or did I only develop them as reactions to my environment? These are questions that perhaps don’t need to be answered because they are part of my selfhood and they are good traits to have. Learning how to notice my triggers and emotional flashbacks, control them, deescalate them, redirect them, and recalibrate afterwards is now my gift to myself and the world.
On this self-discovery path and with listening to my inner child more, I have noticed the emotions that are surfacing are abundant and amplified. Because they were silenced and repressed for so long that the faucet has been turned on and it’s a waterfall of mixed emotions all free flowing at once. It’s overwhelming, but I am learning it’s good to feel and to express myself more.
Who is my true self?
How do you uncover your true self without being able to remember who you were? My trauma started so young, I don’t think I had a chance to ever be my true self, let alone remember him. So much of my life has been autopilot that to now take the time to discover what makes me happy and what I genuinely enjoy in life is an opportunity and not something I should be ashamed of not knowing all this time.
I am taking this point in my life and doing my best to be positive about it. I know there is no going back to who I was as a child; it’s not possible. It’s a case of building what wasn’t experienced. I plan on carrying the child I once was with me everywhere I go and showing him new things in a safe way.
They say life begins at 40, which for the most part may be true. For me, however, life began at 51, and that’s perfectly okay.