As people, we are constantly evolving.
We learn new things every day. Constantly having new experiences and making memories. Some good and some bad. The journey never ends and instead continues on a forward trajectory. The person we were last year isn’t the person we are today, or who we were last month!
We were not put here to remain stagnant and not become better versions of ourselves, and to do that, we need to make mistakes and learn from them. And as far as mistakes go, I have made plenty.
We all look for people who bring out the best in us, who stand by us through the ups and downs, and who ultimately accept us for exactly who we are. We simply want to be seen and know that who we are showing our true selves to be will be enough. Having cPTSD makes that want even more so because we don’t believe we are worthy in any way, shape, or form. Our own self-compassion is vital to helping us heal. We have to nurture ourselves, and believe me, it’s no easy task.
For as long as I can remember, I learned to remain quiet. To listen and to observe.
Our inner critic is constantly telling us all the things we dislike about ourselves. Reminding us that how cPTSD makes us feel is how everyone else will see us as.
For as long as I can remember, I learned to remain quiet. To listen and to observe. I did so so I wouldn’t stand out. It made me a great listener and someone who could read people well. But it also cemented my self-decrepitation because I was never seen for who I was. It’s a viscous cycle because we crave to be seen and yet feel we can’t be because we believe the worst parts of ourselves and feel nobody will accept us. And there is nothing worse than when those feelings are validated.
My hypervigilance has made me so good at reading people that I can feel moods. I can sense the changes in their behavior even when they are trying to hide them. I can tell when someone is not being sincere, and I can see them for who they really are. It’s turned out to be a valuable life skill and the only positive thing that was developed out of my trauma. I only wish my ability to emphasize with others because I can read them so well that I was given the same courtesy. But I rarely ever have been.
But I hope that to change.
It’s Never Too Late For New Beginnings.
Recently, I made the conscious decision to get rid of the armor that I have used to hide myself for so long and be fully open. I am going all in in the hopes that who I am showing myself to be will be fully accepted. I want to be seen. It’s terrifying, but I know that unless I make changes, I am never going to be truly happy. And I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved.
It’s never too late for new beginnings, and in order for others to see us clearly, we have to see ourselves clearly. I have to accept who I am. I have to give myself self-care and self-compassion. To be kinder and gentler with myself. I am working on overcoming the fear of being me. To look in the mirror, and the person looking back at me is who I want to be. I am choosing to show up for myself, especially on the hard days, and there are many.
There are things I have done that I don’t want to ever do again, and there are things that I want to focus on and keep doing because they make my life better. Showing up as my true self doesn’t have to be painful, and that is what I have to keep telling myself.
We all want to be seen for who we are. Even those of us who have spent years preventing that very thing from happening.