Having grown up being abused as a child and not being able to ask for help. The thought of speaking up felt foreign, and I had nobody to turn to because I didn’t think I would be believed.

I ultimately carried the secret around for 40 years.

I didn’t realize it then, but desperation was the theme of my formative years. Desperate for someone to see me, know me, like me, love me, and help me.

But it never came.

Instead, I learned to go through life guarded and with every passing year it built another layer around myself, until I was numb to feelings and emotions. Never asking anything from anyone. It wasn’t until I entered therapy that I was taught that I am a human being, not a human doing. That I have inherent worth just by existing.

Therapy is a form of self care

With each session I have peeled back layers of doubt and importantly, self-criticism, and I have begun to understand the importance of treating myself with kindness, and patience. Just as I would a friend. Learning skills like self-validating, self-trust, self-compassion, self-nurturing, and self-love doesn’t just happen instantly. They all take practice and lots of it.

It turns out, though, that I have had difficulty in self-validating. You would think with the years that I have been in therapy that I would have everything figured out. But I don’t. I forget that I am undoing 40 years of patterns that I developed to survive in life.

With self-validating comes self-forgiveness, and I still seek external validation from others for that. In my thinking, if I am forgiven by another, then I can forgive myself. But to really heal, it doesn’t work that way. In only seeking external validation, it means looking for approval because my inner child thinks it’s needed. It’s almost like projection, because I don’t feel worthy and can’t get validation from myself due to my childhood trauma.

The C in cPTSD means complex for a reason. With prolonged trauma, and in my case years of child abuse. It prevented me from developing the natural instincts children learn to thrive into healthy adults. It doesn’t matter that I may be highly functional and living my life. I still crave external validation and warmth, especially in relationships.

A perfect example of this would be where I would say, “Maybe it’s best if you take a step back.” When it’s not what I want and what I am doing is seeking validation. For the other person to say that they don’t want to do that. The correct response would be for me to say, “I don’t want you to take a step back, but I do understand if you need to.”

Self-validating allows you to feel worthy

Instead of seeking that external validation, I would be letting them know how I felt and self-validating. Thus, in turn, giving them the information they needed to decide what they needed to do. And if the decision made was them taking the step back, I at least wouldn’t feel like I wasn’t worthy and was not seeking approval from them.

I was told something today in therapy that has really struck a chord with me, and that is the most valuable resource I have is myself. It’s made me realize and reflect at how often I overlook my own worth and potential. That I need to focus on validating internally. I know it’s not going to be easy because how can I embody a feeling I’ve never even experienced before?

In healthy childhoods, children are taught to love, value, and respect themselves, by example if nothing else. Those of us who have experienced childhood trauma are taught pain and fear and tend to learn to hate themselves, oppress themselves, and even abuse themselves.

It’s going to take more patience and putting in the practice to teach myself self-validation and compassion. Instead of someone giving me validation to where I grab on to it and don’t let go until they pull themselves away. I have a habit of not letting go of people until they let me go, and then the feeling of rejection is earth-shattering, where the cycle of shame, hurt, and lack of self-worth commences.

It’s about learning secure attachment. To build on self-parenting and being my own best friend. All things that are attainable with the help of therapy and, again, putting in the work. With patience, I will be able to cultivate a better relationship and understanding of myself and my own needs and, importantly, allow myself to self-validate and not seek it as a must-have externally.