Oh, how I hate ruminating! Rumination spirals are one of the most difficult aspects of having cPTSD, and there are a lot of difficult aspects that we suffer from.

It’s as if I am disillusioned in the belief that if I keep playing things over in my mind, I can work out a solution to fix it. Gain clarity, and most importantly, take back control. And because I struggle to do so, I get stuck in a repetitive cycle and play the memory over and over in my mind in the hope that there will be some solution found. Sometimes I feel like I have to go over every single mistake I made in my life as well as every negative thing that ever occurred. Take them apart like a puzzle and try piece it back together again, but the puzzle can never be completed.

It can be debilitating and quite destructive, especially if the ruminations continue for hours at a time. It can become so intense, and what follows is the cotton wool feeling in my head. The heaviness and exhaustion of trying to focus on more productive thought patterns become nearly impossible. It’s during these rumination moments that I truly wish I could rip my brain from inside my head and toss it into the garbage. Only so I can catch a break.

I tend to listen to jazz. Especially the chaotic and unpredictable pieces

I think it’s why I love music so much, and depending on how bad I get, it will dictate the music genre I will listen to. For my worst ruminating moments, I tend to listen to jazz. Especially the chaotic and unpredictable pieces. It’s the spontaneity and improvisation used in jazz that emphasize the spontaneous delivery of unique melodic solos and passages that really help. It can help me refocus my mind and counteract the ruminating. Just like a good thunderstorm. The chaos and unpredictability weirdly soothe my mind. But whatever works, right!?

Rumination, for me, is a trauma response. It’s a cognitive-avoidance strategy. I have learned that falling into the trap of ruminating only temporarily puts off the hard work of healing. What makes it so hard to control is how randomly it can occur. I can be doing a project. Sitting with people and enjoying the company when suddenly intrusive thoughts popup and my mind goes elsewhere.

Will it ever stop? I wish I had an answer. I hope that with my use of music, getting outside in nature, exercising, and the mindfulness tools I have learned in therapy, and the more I heal from my trauma, the ruminating will eventually cease. I certainly look forward to that day because my brain needs peace and quiet.