Recovery means something different to everyone of us who have dealt with a lifelong diagnosis of living with cPTSD. We have faced pain and uphill struggles that none of us would wish on anybody.

One thing I have come to realize is that non-traumatized people have less potential to achieve the deep inner peace that many of us crave. Due to social and cultural conditioning, life is much easier for the majority of them. Which isn’t a bad thing, you can have a very fulfilling and complete self-aware life without having gone through trauma. But that can mean finding real inner peace isn’t as important because there is less of an urgency for it. The status quo is enough.

However, in order to completely recover from developmental trauma, we need to learn to rewire our brains and let go of the early conditioning. Because it becomes so incredibly unbearable to exist as we are. We have to work at learning about our needs, wants, and actual self as well. In a sense, we CPTSD sufferers have been dealt a very, very challenging hand of cards, but it also has the power to push us toward true self-awareness. 

The Unexpected Gift Of Trauma Recovery

Trauma recovery is living, about as vibrantly as it gets. Peace can only come after we have sat down and digested all our awful feelings. And with cPTSD, we have more awful feelings than most. When we have put in the work, the one thing it leaves us with is the ability to connect, on a deep level. That’s something we won’t ever lose. Nor should we. Being able to empathize with others is a profound gift.

I am now in a place where I am finding the peace that I have always wanted, but I can’t lie; I’d have taken a happy, carefree life over painful insight and self-realizations any day. Healing from trauma is painful. It has made me realize so many things that have been taken from me and that I never will have or get back. It has cost me decades before I could even begin to understand why my whole life was breaking apart, and it has cost me future opportunities that I will never have because of it.

The terrible cost I’ve had to pay for profound realizations and self-awareness is my child abuse. Oddly enough, though, I wouldn’t change the person I’m becoming/have become. Yes, I wish I never had to have gone through what I did, but I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. The guy that is told that he is kind and caring. Funny and smart.

I firmly believe that those who experience suffering and heal, not only expand their capacity for suffering, but their capacity for greater joy. There really is something magical about that.

Defining Myself Beyond Expectations and Trauma

I picked up another new book recently on the recommendation of my therapist titled You’re the one you’ve been waiting for by Richard Schwartz. He is the founder of IFS (Internal Family Systems), and it has helped me better understand who I am and what I need.

My feelings and motivations are no longer driven by other people’s expectations of me or for me. So many people haven’t done the deep dive and in turn, are not emotionally available. I am putting in the work, and no longer prepared to allow others who haven’t or choose not to work on themselves dictate how I should be. I allowed my trauma and cPTSD to do that for me for far too many years.

I look at life and observe, and I can see the nuances, intricate details, and subtle cues. I may have had to mature earlier than my years, and I am exhausted by the self-awareness and constant realizations. I’ve seen myself change in ways I can’t even describe. But I can be empathetic when others cannot. There is an advantage to properly processing lived experience in that we can often not only hear but also feel what others are saying. 

The Rebuilding Starts From Within

Self-discovery and creating the building blocks to become a whole person free of trauma and the controlling impulses from cPTSD are something I am invested in. There are so many steps, and one I am in the process of is deconstructing conditioning around relationships, romance, and intimacy. Which I will write about at a later date.

I don’t know who I would have been without my past, and that’s okay. The road and the cards I was dealt, albeit a struggle, have been worth it. I’m 52, finally discovering the peace I have yearned for all of my life. I’m Helpful towards others, and I do not blame anyone else for who I am and am not.

I now believe in myself and know I bring a lot to the table. I feel incredibly free in so many ways that I didn’t even imagine were possible before embarking on the trauma recovery journey. CPTSD is a state of consciousness that our brains created out of necessity. My journey in healing from trauma has given me many insights about the world that many people do not get a chance to discover. And that is something that isn’t lost on me.

Photo by Cole Keister on Unsplash